Thursday, June 11, 2009

Pot of Gold and Silver Linings

I'm having a lot of mixed reactions lately. I'm starting to dread looking at the reactions I get when I tell them the reason I'm in my first year all over again. I'm not embarrassed by my decision but I hate being judged for it. I changed my course not because I hate science. I find the subject interesting but I guess science hates me. It's hard to not wonder sometimes whether if I actually made the right choice. I miss the subject a lot. I wish I still have an excuse to enter the laboratory just to play around with the chemicals. I wish I still have an excuse to enter science and maths related lectures.

I used to tell myself I do not want to do something I love. This statement might cause people to start doubting my sanity because it seems obvious to everyone that we should do what we love. My reasoning for this was that it would be sad if you start to hate what you used to love. It would not seem right to start hating what you enjoy the most because it has become a burden to you and you're starting to find it annoying. Picking art over science was the toughest decision I had to make. As much as I like science I didn't seem to be progressing in it. The last resort was to pick the inevitable choice since I've begun to start hating it. Selecting a new course all over again brings back memories of how I was when I just finished my SPM with high hopes. I've always loved English because it's something that I never find difficulties in. This does not mean that I'm starting to find English Language boring, that I'm beginning to hate it. I can feel the burden setting in but it's something that cannot be avoided since I have expectations. I'm beginning to understand why people kept saying the right thing is to pick the thing you love the most now. For once I'm actually picking up the reference book without being told to. For once, I'm actually reading it during my free time and not feel like it's my responsibility to do so. I've never done that before when I was doing my engineering course. What makes it different is the fact that I actually understand what it is the authors are trying to pass through. Unlike science, it's not liberated with complicated jargons and terms. It's presented in a way that does not make me feel patronized when I'm reading it. Physics has never been my strongest point and the reference books do not help matters at all. I try reading it and half way through I give up because it's just another book that prove to me how stupid I am for not understanding it.

The future for me right now is still as dark as it used to be but that doesn't mean I will stop continuing my journey. It's better to get it through and find out than staying still and end up wasting my life away. Meeting new people all over again isn't very bad but what's difficult is finding someone you can be closed to. Everyone here seems to be hard at work studying and not minding anything in between. I'm not sure whether if I've ever said this. There's this one time when I took the LRT and I noticed how everyone were ignoring the majestic view of the sunset outside the windows because they were too busy being another clone. Some of the students here will soon graduate and morphed into the exact clones of the passengers of that train ride I took long time ago. Materialistic clones that do not care what happens outside unless an atomic bomb actually explode under their nose. Sadly, life is judged not by our interest but how rich we are.


Dorae-ong said...

I changed course once, so I understand a bit of what you are going through now. Well, time will tell whether you have made a right decision, for me I think I have made a right one.

It is actually misleading to say that I have made a right decision as we only live once, so there is no basis for comparison. May be I am doing better sticking to physics instead of changing to math. These are not important now, the important thing is to do your best in your newly chosen field of study.

Hey, if there is an interesting science courses offer by the school, you can always sit in during the lecture. I audited a lot of courses too, some even after I graduated.

I believe that you should study what you like, and I think you are those few who have the courage to do what you believe in. I am proud of you.

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