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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Three Wise Monkeys


     Would it be naive of me if I wish I had not known so much? Would it be silly of me if I wish I could close my ears and pretend not to notice sometimes? Would it be alright if I lie here and forget this ever exist? If, if, if, and only ifs.
     Sometimes I feel as if we are living in a haven. Secluded in a warm embrace, protected by our little bubble where nothing can ever hurt us. It is a world where everything is beautiful and peaceful. A place where I can safely wake up and be ensured that it is another day to look forward to and the sun is shining on my head. The sense of serenity and happiness would be so strong the black cloud will not be able to dampen it. 
     But when I wash my face and rub my eyes, I see it is all a dream. My little perfect world packed up so nicely in ribbons and pretty wrappings are gone. It is just like any other day once I open the newspapers. There is no peace, there is only chaos and fights over petty issues.  It is a world filled with secrets and lies.
      He said, she said. I wasn't there to hear him, neither was I there to hear her. Who to believe? Who to trust? Where to go at the end of the day? I don't think I want to hear all these anymore. These vindictive remarks and backstabbing is tiring me up. Does all this really mean so much to you that you will lie and scheme your way through it? Scheme all you want. Lie all you want. By all means, do whatever you please. But do not drag me into it. Do not place me into your plans because I am not like that.
     I do not want to live my life strategising my every move like it's a chessboard. The worst that can happen when you have been checkmate is to start the game all over again and learn from your mistakes but there is no take two in life. My life is not a battle game. He said, she said. How many more lies to cover up your lies? How many more chances do I need to give until I finally realise it's enough?
     I believed and I still want to believe that there is good in everyone but each day is making the belief thaw away. As the pinnacle of ice starts melting away, the beauty is gone and all I can see is a layer of grime where slugs crawl away spreading a thick layer of mucus. How long will this belief last? Will I eventually change into a person that I won't be able to recognise tomorrow because I do not want that to happen. I want to hold on to my childish belief. If things turn ugly my only consolation is that no matter how ugly the world is there is still a tiny glimmer of beauty and truth amidst all these chaos.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Of Dreams and Reality

     I woke up with a smile this morning. I had an extremely vivid dream last night and it was so amazing I didn't want to wake up. As I sit here trying to recall my dream, it feels like holding water with my hands because the memories are slowly leaving me. 
     I dreamt of having a party at a guard house in a shopping complex (I know...so weird), I dreamt of colourful, Japanese looking decorations strewn across the walls, I dreamt of running up and down the steeping escalators with a bunch of faceless people as I giggled away but most important of all, I dreamt I went to the seaside. As I was dreaming of the seaside it felt so real I could practically feel the sand between my toes and rubbing against my heels as I run down along the waves holding my high heels. It was so real it's almost like I dreamt on HDTV with "sensor-feel" thrown in. 
     Funnily enough, the dream was so realistic there were knick knacks around the beach hidden underneath rocks left behind by previous patrons. It's not your typical plastic bags and polystyrene boxes that you will find at the seaside though. It's tiny porcelain houses, weird looking painted rocks and something else that I can't remember anymore.
     Sigh. I want to go to the beach. I want to feel real, soft, brown sand between my toes. I want to hear the waves as they rush back and forth hitting the sand and leaving behind tendrils of marks on them. I want to hear the breeze blowing in my ears and see the trees dancing like graceful dancers across a stage that follows a silent rhythm that no one knows. I want to look at the blue ocean melding into the sky where you can't point out where the horizon is and when you put your toes into the clear, blue water you can see your feet immersed in them. 

Bring me to the beach,
Where the sea is blue,
and the skies are too,
The waves so strong,
It can't be wrong,
To have you here,
with me so near,
To feel the sand,
It won't put a dent,
My heart, it's beating,
It's true, I'm not kidding,
Bring me to the beach,
Please, won't you, please?