Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Theme Park and All Its Enchantments

Home; a place where you stay and go to at the end of the day to put up your tired feet. A place where pretensions are unnecessary, where habits are bred and left to infest on its own. A place where a child can run off to, comforted by the fact that the mother will be there waiting for his return. This is just another story. One where happy endings can never be found because life is filled with doubtful miracles and happiness is an unattainable paradise.

The home that I went to when I was young was a theme park. It has an entrance that seems so grand but inviting, full of warmth and surprises to the outsiders. The earlier days were very different. The walls were painted bright white and the plants seem to thrive under all the loving care that the gardener rendered on it. There were crowds and joyful laughter. Games played and stories told. It was an endless array of entertainment from the moment when we open our eyes until the moment when we fall asleep. Each morning we woke up with the smell of scrumptious delicacies in the air feeling excited to begin another new adventure because we know it would be just as special as yesterday, that it would be another happy day. Because this was when the theme park was still new, when the management were on good terms with one another, when they care for the welfare of children, when everyone was excited with its opening.

However, things become old. The kids have grown up a little and they no longer like make-beliefs. The management could not find a point where they can agree with each other anymore. The entrance still looks grand but the interior speaks a different tone. Ghost and monsters are found lurking behind doors and every possible corner. There is no wafting smell of bakery or coffee in the morning. No delicious lunch and dinners cooked with love set on the table, nobody waiting by the door. Everything is impersonal. It is a self-service routine that seems more like a hotel stay. The children, because as much as they have grown they are essentially still children, knew something was wrong with the picture but they could not say it out loud because they fear the consequences. They had to be careful when they speak, had to be careful where they tread because every tiny action could blow up a landmine.

Years gone by and things did not change for the better. The theme park has gone through changes. It is no longer a theme park but a dilapidated, haunted house. The clean, white paint has peeled and replaced with mouldy greens. It used to be filled with joy and gaiety but the gleeful laughter has disappeared and all that is left is just a bleak darkness. The plants are left unattended and the gates are just swinging along with the wind. Everything is rundown and old. Fixing it seems so futile. Why fix it when no one will be returning back anymore? I wish the theme park had never existed. I wish the scenes had been a different one. I wish we have never existed in the beginning. How did it change so rapidly, so drastically? Where did the swing of the pendulum got disrupted?

Friday, June 26, 2009

Death and Its Memories

I woke up early this morning and heard about Michael Jackson's death at the cafeteria when I was getting my breakfast. The man was saying something about not opening his stall in tribute to his death. I did not think much of it when I first heard it so I then headed to the library and checked the newspaper just to make sure of it. There wasn't anything written about it so I thought, "Okay...It's not real". I only found out the truth later when I checked the mail.

When I first hear it I thought it was all a joke because to me Michael Jackson seems like an iconic person. That he would one day die is a fact, but I never thought it would be so soon. To me, he seems like a permanent fixture, like he is going to be there for a long time. It was sad to know he is a mortal after all and death comes at unexpected times.

I was never a big fan of Michael Jackson. I first know about him when my dad got his album and played it on the television. I was amazed with the way he expressed himself, with the way he dance, the way he sings. Everything about him shouts unique because he creates his own identity, one that is different than all the other singers at that time. His videos are always entertaining because they tell a story that is related to the songs he sang. I especially loved the magical feel of the "Black and White" video. It was amazing how he could turn a taboo subject about races into a catchy tune while telling us we are all equal no matter what colour our skin is. I will never forget the way he danced on the car and turned into a panther right at the end of the video because it was something frightening to me when I was a kid.

I do not know many of his songs because I feel he is at his best when he sings about the environment and world issues. From "Heal the World" to "Thriller" and "Beat It", all these songs has been something that brings back fond memories of my childhood. Whether or not the scandal embroiling him just before his death was a matter of truth or deception is not something that we, the outsiders will know. However it is, I wished people could respect the dead and not criticize them simply by ear. His death seems to be a laughing matter to a few people who think they have the right to judge when they know nothing about the full extent of the situation. There are a few who said, " we don't have to worry about kids being sexually abused because there's one less wacko". His music is what one should be focusing on and not his scandals or controversies. It is sad to know that he will only be remembered for his eccentric behaviour and the scandals that he got himself into when he was alive and not for all the wonderful things that he has done to make the world a better place music wise.

May you rest in peace MJ.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Changes are Inevitable

A quick note: The blog's template has change due to problems on coding. I did not notice the comments written are not visible if it is too long before this until a few days ago. I was quite reluctant to do any changing because I was attached to it but hopefully, the same problem will not occur since I had to change the old template to a different one. Anyways...

Not many people know this because I seldom talk about my blog or how and what I write in it. It does not seem like a good "parlor" topic, if you get what I mean. I have a habit of drafting my posts on the Microsoft Word before uploading anything final on the blog because I love the fact that Microsoft Word has the auto correct function in it. It saves me a lot of energy, in a way, because I do not have to bother about the capital letters or grammar issue. However, the most annoying part about it is that blogger somehow cannot upload my post if I copy and paste the passage straight out from Microsoft Word. This means I have to retype the whole post all over again if I want to upload any post. Which in the end is just a waste of time and energy. I know. I am weird that way. By this time, people will be wondering why I am even bothered about the grammar and fonts in the first place. I guess I am too much of a perfectionist. I am also extremely particular about this issue, not that anyone notice it anyway. So I am now trying to pull myself out of this habit and type my post straight on to Blogger instead. I am just too lazy to continue on typing the same thing twice or even sometimes more than that.

I have a lot of things I wanted to blog about but sadly, I have forgotten about all of it . I always do my thinking when I am on my way to school or when I had too much dose of caffeine. Things just seem to run around in my mind more when I am sitting in the bus or just walking. It keeps me occupied when I do not have a book to read, you see. However, all this "ah-ha" moments come at the "wrongest" possible time because that is the time when I do not have my computer in front of me so I end up forgetting whatever it is I wanted to blog about. In the mean time, I will try to focus and pick up the bits and pieces of my thoughts and if the "ah-ha" moments returns I will try to blog about it...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Balancing Acts

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone"
-Ali Javan-

I think this quotes sums up how everyone feels or wish to be. To be able to hold a place of importance to someone's heart is an extremely special thing because it shows we're appreciated. I was chatting with an old friend of mine the other day about being grateful and this friend of mine was lamenting about how he feels he is being taken for granted. These past few days I have gone through a wild emotional roller coaster ride. It has been a long time since I have held a position, one where I have to be responsible for everyone's welfare. I am not complaining about the added responsibility of being a course rep but sometimes the job makes me feel unappreciated. I believe it is a fact that most of us who are born and educated in the eastern way find difficulties in showing our feelings. I must admit that up until this point I have never let my brother know that I care for him, that I think he is a talented person. I have never say "I love you" outright to my mother. To me, emotional outburst can be embarrassing because that has been how I am ever since I was a kid. I am not sure whether if this applies to you as well, but when was the last time you let someone know you appreciate them for who they are? I am a person that believes action speaks louder than words but at the same time I am also a painfully clueless person when it comes to someone's emotions. Which is why I would prefer it if they let me know what they feel about me; in actions and in words.

Nonetheless, saying and doing is a completely different thing. In order for someone to know, I need to show it first. Setting a good example is a stepping stone, is it not? I need to keep in mind that it is not an embarrassment to express my feelings. For that reason, I want to take this opportunity to let everyone know what I feel.

To you; thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being there for me when I am down in my crummy hole. Thank you for understanding even when I was taking out my temper on you, even when I was making life extremely difficult for you. Thank you for sharing the good times and the bad times with me. Thank you for being my source of inspiration. Thank you for being proud of me, for showing I am never alone. Thank you for all the lessons you have taught me, for the journey that we made together, for making my day a better one. Thank you for showing me I am a special person, for telling me to enjoy my life more. Thank you for keeping my feet firmly on the ground, for reminding me to never be too arrogant and be grateful for what I have.

You were the one who console me when I cried, the one that held me when I was confused and afraid. You were the one that made me laugh even when I was crying my eyes out. You were the one who shone the light in my path. All that you have done for me did not pass by unnoticed. It would be impossible for me to list out everything that you have done for me. I am grateful for having you by my side and I hope you will never give up on me just as I will never give up on you. Thank you for everything that you have done!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Pot of Gold and Silver Linings

I'm having a lot of mixed reactions lately. I'm starting to dread looking at the reactions I get when I tell them the reason I'm in my first year all over again. I'm not embarrassed by my decision but I hate being judged for it. I changed my course not because I hate science. I find the subject interesting but I guess science hates me. It's hard to not wonder sometimes whether if I actually made the right choice. I miss the subject a lot. I wish I still have an excuse to enter the laboratory just to play around with the chemicals. I wish I still have an excuse to enter science and maths related lectures.

I used to tell myself I do not want to do something I love. This statement might cause people to start doubting my sanity because it seems obvious to everyone that we should do what we love. My reasoning for this was that it would be sad if you start to hate what you used to love. It would not seem right to start hating what you enjoy the most because it has become a burden to you and you're starting to find it annoying. Picking art over science was the toughest decision I had to make. As much as I like science I didn't seem to be progressing in it. The last resort was to pick the inevitable choice since I've begun to start hating it. Selecting a new course all over again brings back memories of how I was when I just finished my SPM with high hopes. I've always loved English because it's something that I never find difficulties in. This does not mean that I'm starting to find English Language boring, that I'm beginning to hate it. I can feel the burden setting in but it's something that cannot be avoided since I have expectations. I'm beginning to understand why people kept saying the right thing is to pick the thing you love the most now. For once I'm actually picking up the reference book without being told to. For once, I'm actually reading it during my free time and not feel like it's my responsibility to do so. I've never done that before when I was doing my engineering course. What makes it different is the fact that I actually understand what it is the authors are trying to pass through. Unlike science, it's not liberated with complicated jargons and terms. It's presented in a way that does not make me feel patronized when I'm reading it. Physics has never been my strongest point and the reference books do not help matters at all. I try reading it and half way through I give up because it's just another book that prove to me how stupid I am for not understanding it.

The future for me right now is still as dark as it used to be but that doesn't mean I will stop continuing my journey. It's better to get it through and find out than staying still and end up wasting my life away. Meeting new people all over again isn't very bad but what's difficult is finding someone you can be closed to. Everyone here seems to be hard at work studying and not minding anything in between. I'm not sure whether if I've ever said this. There's this one time when I took the LRT and I noticed how everyone were ignoring the majestic view of the sunset outside the windows because they were too busy being another clone. Some of the students here will soon graduate and morphed into the exact clones of the passengers of that train ride I took long time ago. Materialistic clones that do not care what happens outside unless an atomic bomb actually explode under their nose. Sadly, life is judged not by our interest but how rich we are.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Still Cooking

It's sad to see that I blog an average of one post per month ever since moving my blog to Blogger, when I blogged more frequently before this. Circumstances have changed though and I promise I'll start writing more diligently. Today marks my fifth day here at Kampar. Time seems to move at a slower pace here and there are times when I wished time could just stop for a moment to allow me to absorb all the things that has happened these past few days. My first impression when I got a glimpse of the campus was awed. The campus looked really beautiful. For once I felt like a real university student because the campus looked like a real one unlike the ones in KL. One thing I have to mention though; why are all the buildings grey in colour? It gives off a really glum and serious feeling, which I guess is what the administration is hoping for? The second and forever lingering impression I got is how hot the place seems to be. Is it just the weather here or is this a sign of global warming? I don't think I've ever paid a visit to hell before but this should come pretty close to how it might it's going to be like. There should be close to a few gallons of sweat I've shed ever since arriving here by now. Everyday feels like treading inside an oven with the temperature set on high but I think my body has finally adjusted itself to the temperature. There's more wind blowing now but there's still no rain which is surprising, considering the fact that it's so hot all the water should have evaporated to the sky by now. Where have all the clouds gone to??!! (T,T) I miss the cool feeling of the after effects of rain...