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Saturday, March 7, 2009

The world of the damned

There’s a comfort in knowing that when I die, it is over. I wouldn’t have to care any longer what people have to say or think about me. So, to me it seems death is the easiest way out. Life is over once the Grim Reaper comes to fetch you. To many, death is a taboo subject. I guess the reason for that is because we don’t like to know that life is actually really unpredictable. There’s no exact shelf life for this thing we call life, it afflicts everyone from the young to the old. There’s no age limit to it and it’s an inevitable thing. To me, death itself is not such a scary thought. What is scary is how I'm going to die. I do not wish to die a painful, horror stricken, slow death. Even though it is true I won’t have to care what people have to say any longer, I still do not want people whispering how hideous I look when I'm lying in the coffin. Of course, judging on how I’ve given this some thought, I think cremation is a better way out for me. But that’s the least of my worries.Are you ready to face your Maker on your Judgement Day? I think some people will be surprised by this phrase. Not because they’ve never heard it but it’s because it came from me. It’s a well known fact that I'm a freethinker. I do not believe in any specific religion although I was instilled the teachings of Buddhism when I was young. What I think is a tad bit blasphemous for some so I’ll just keep it to myself. No point starting a fire when there is already light. So, it’s a done deal that I'm a freethinker (oh, and you can stop preaching to me about how good your religion is by now) but here’s the bomb. I do not believe in your religion for personal reasons but that doesn’t mean I do not believe in the existence of God. After all, anything is possible. There aren’t any prove that says there’s no “holier-than-me being” living on the other side but there’s no prove that says this being does not exist either. Of course, if the being really exists, there will be a lot of questions from me when we meet.This is what makes death so exciting, what makes me look forward to death. The knowledge of what really happens when death comes a knocking. Death is but an adventure where a new page begins. I’ll know whether if there’s God, afterlife and whatnot. Of course, it will be a pity because I wouldn’t be able to disclose all this information to the rest of the living, breathing people. If I could, it would be a scary and miraculous thing wouldn’t it? I can practically see the headlines now. “GIRL CAME BACK FROM DEATH AND TELLS ALL”. We would know whether if all those wars were really worth it, whether if our planet exist because of the ‘Big Bang’ or because of a higher power. I'm wondering if we can have a debate when we’re there. (If “there” exist at all) I'm wondering whether if we could question the actions of a certain resident that lives there. If heaven really exist, I don’t think I would like to stay there on a permanent basis. I don’t mind going there for a visit but I don’t think I’ll enjoy it too much if I have to stay there forever. Happiness can only be felt when you’ve gone through sadness. Without sadness, you wouldn’t know what happiness is in the first place. If heaven really is as they say it is (the happiest place and all) then you’ll be immune to that ray of happiness when you’ve stayed there for some time won’t you? It’s just like being drugged continuously and your immune system begins to build a resistance to it.But then, I wouldn’t want to go to hell either. I know I will need to pay for any bad deeds that I’ve accumulated when I'm living on earth, but who’s to judge right from wrong? If a person steals for the well being of his parents, will that still count as a bad deed? If a person kills someone accidentally, is it a bad deed or is it an act that can be ignored? No one on this planet is perfect so there’s bound to be blunders and bad deeds done by everyone. Some not so serious and others so terrible it will remain a secret from everyone else. So does that mean we’re all going to go to hell? Even for the tiniest mistakes? Even for that white lie we said sometimes?Will my not believing in any religion bar me from going to heaven? Will there be no doors open for me when I die? Is afterlife real? Or would it be exactly what it is meant to be? The end of a life and nothing left but dirt and bones. Only time can tell. When I finally leave this comforting place, I want to be sure I won’t regret it. So take life to the fullest. I know it sounds clich√©d but it’s a truth that has been taken for granted numerous times. Trust me; you wouldn’t want to end up wishing you had done something when you can no longer have the leisure of doing it.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Final Judgement

If anyone hadn't noticed, I've revamped my whole blog. I've deleted the old one and changed a new name because I think it's time for a change. I'm too lazy to do much about the template though...maybe some other time? The problem is it's extremely hard for me to go online as often as I want to nowadays, because the place where I'm staying does not have an internet connection. Because of this, my old blog was being neglected and I found myself having difficulties conversing in English. However, all is not lost...Yao Jia's here now and I'll try to update as much as possible. There's an ironic situation going on. I know I said earlier that it's time for a change, but I think my mind is detached from my heart. It still haven't grasp the fact that I want a change yet. Oh, well. Something really is going to change soon, though. I've given this thought for some time now. Although, the term 'some time' is a huge understatement since I've been pulled by the intention ever since I came to KL and continue my science stream. The topic is forever haunting my old blog but, I promise, this will be the last post regarding this topic, so bear with me, ok? Had I not been such a typical arien- being indecisive and stubborn to admit the fact even to myself, I would have gone ahead and act on my decision instead of wasting so much valuable time. I mean, who am I kidding?? If I had done it sooner I wouldn't have to go through so much suffering. So, let me put this out in the open once and for all. SCIENCE ISN"T FOR ME. There. I've said it and I'm not going to take it back. You know how caring people are (i.e. busybody or to put it nicely curious). They always seem to ask that infamous question whenever I tell them what I'm learning right now, why did you choose chemical engineering? And I've always answered it with, "Because I like chemistry". That lie is so well remembered I can say it out without thinking it through beforehand. You see if I had been truthful and brave enough to say it my real reason would be something more realistic. And that reason doesn’t just apply to me. I know a lot of people my age who’s sharing the same exact predicament as me. The reason is because (cue: drums rolling here) I'm not sure what I want to be. Not that I’m sure now. I just thought since I’m not sure what I want to do anyway, I might as well take a course that's going to have a lucrative salary. The course sounds like it’s something cool but I have to admit; I had no idea what it really is about when I sat at the corridor filling up the form thus sealing my fate towards eternal doom. Gosh. That seems like a few hundred years ago now when in reality it was only a mere two years or so ago. Throughout these two years, everyone has heard me whining and complaining about it and I really must apologise to everyone for that. And so I have an announcement. I’ve finally made up my mind today. I went to school the other day, go to the office and ask for the course transfer form. I’m not sure whether if I’m making the right choice. I can never be sure. And that’s the only thing that scares me. The unknown. It’s just a habit of mine. When I make a decision I want to be sure of it. I want to know for sure the consequence of my choice so I’ll know I’m making the right one. Because of this habit, I’ve always pull myself back when I face something that I cannot be sure about, causing myself to miss out on a lot of things in my life. Today, I say enough is enough. I'm throwing in the towel and calling it quits. The funny thing is, after I took the form my right hand starts trembling like mad. Was it due to the excitement or stress? I have no idea. I told my friends about my decision and they asked me to reconsider my decision and not do it. I’m really touched by their gesture but the reasons that they gave me were so irrelevant it borders on being absolutely ridiculous. If I wasn’t so used to their antics, I might actually feel demean with their ground of argument. Here’s an idea on what I mean. You can’t leave because I won’t have any friends/anyone to talk to or you can’t leave because I will feel like doing the same thing too. Oh, and this is the best. Don’t leave because there won’t be anyone left to save a seat for me!! Geez...thanks, you all. It looks like I’m important in their lives in the sense that I’m a pillar of strength for some, a companion/friend for a few in betweens and a tool for the rest. Really puts it all into perspective, doesn’t it? Thanks though, I really appreciate it. I swear I'm not being sarcastic here. I know what you all mean and I’m really happy to know that I’ve left a tiny bit of mark in your hearts but I’m really tired of this battle. The allure of giving up seems so much easier. But if I do decide to go ahead, the decision will be so...final. That thought alone is pretty scary I must say. I haven’t decided yet which course I’m going to take but I have made a few choices and I just need to find out more about each courses. I guess the decision on whether if I'm really going to go has already been made. I just need to take action, that’s all. The knowledge that I won’t have to do maths and science anymore has given me a kind of freedom. I feel like I can finally breathe properly. So please, give me that vote of confidence I need so much, will you?

Note: Taken from last post in previous blog dated 27th February '09