Asinine Bedlam

Something, something, something

2011-01-30T17:57:00.001+08:00

When I close my eyes, I hear the sound of the fan circling above my head and the occasional raindrops falling outside the window. All is quiet and serene because students somehow manage to turn back time and slipped into their inner child when holidays rolled by. They rush back home like moths to lights or ants to sugar, excited to meet their families and gorged themselves on food. No doubt when the festivities are over, they'll return again and start shrieking like banshees in what in their mind they assumed to be melodious songs.

At this point in my life, I would truly like to say that my mind is as empty as the gift box lying around in the corner but sadly, that is not in any way true. I wonder if it has ever been true... A year has gone by again and without my realising it January has come and in a few days will be gone. I have come to a point in my life where I need to pause and calculate how old I am (2011-1989=22..OMG!!). That may not seem old to some but for someone like me who thinks my mom is prehistoric, it's pretty old.

I feel restless. I have an itch to just run around freely without a care about the world but at the same time my limbs feel tired. I am tired. I haven't move an inch yet I feel almost like I've been running around non-stop for a long time. I wonder what's wrong...maybe my age is catching up with me (harharhar..)

I know I'm not making much sense right now but I just feel like blogging. I do have a lot of stuff I want to talk about and I know I haven't been posting as religiously as I used to but whenever I sit down and tries to write something I think of who my audience will be and I censor myself. I'll try not to do so in the future but that is a difficult habit to shake off (no thanks to all those lectures on 'understand your audience before you talk').

I think that's about it for now. Just an incessant rambling about nothing. I'll get back to you when I have anything substantial to write about so you won't think I'm wasting your time...Promise I'll try not to do it again...

The Flashback and Its Implications on the Not So Distant Future

2010-09-24T00:24:00.001+08:00

I had this conversation with a friend of mine a few days ago and I really wanted to blog about it the moment I came back but the problem was that I had exams and I really, really needed to study. Either way, I found time to simply rant with no worries (yet) today and decided to just go with that..So, to keep it short the conversation was about internship and teaching. For those who don't know or have forgotten about it, I am currently pursuing (I never did understand why we use that verb) a degree in English Language.

I am in no way complaining about the course that I am taking but one thing that I would like to gripe about is how focused everyone seems to think that teaching is the only logical choice after graduating. Surely that is not the only choice for us...surely there are something else that we can do. I have to admit that when I filled in that form, I wasn't expecting myself to be a teacher and that view has not change since then. I have nothing against the profession of teaching but I just can't see myself as Master Yoda to some young padawan because of certain reasons. Here are the few reasons listed below. But before I continue on please excuse me for a moment...

*Went to check dictionary* It seems that according to "The Little Oxford Dictionary", the verb "teach" is to give information, instruction, or training to (person) or about (subject, skill); practise this as a profession; advocate as moral etc. principle. To my understanding, to teach is to provide information while at the same time encourage and instil positive moral values in the students.

So now that we have the definition of teaching covered, let's move on to my tiny phobia towards teaching gained from my experiences with teachers.

Teaching = obsession in getting good image garnered from students' results

I don't know about the rest of the population but this seems to be especially true for students who are getting ready for their major exams (read; UPSR, PMR, SPM, STPM) and it seems to me like the teachers are more obsessed than the students themselves in getting good grades (translated; A1). They are so obsessed to the point that the moment they enter the class, they (the teachers) starts droning on and on about the subject, vomiting facts and don't really care if the students understand what they are 'teaching'. I guess, it's partially the society's fault for being so grade-oriented but I feel that the most important part about teaching is to understand the student's predicament and try to teach according to the student's ability and not simply teach by regurgitating every single thing to the walls. The only reason they are so obsessed about the grades are not because they care for the students; which incidentally wouldn't be so bad if it were true, but it's simply because they want to create a good image for themselves and the school. Doesn't that seem a bit selfish to you? I am afraid that if I do decide to teach one day, I would end up being a teacher like that and I feel that if I am that kind of teacher I will not only be doing wrong to myself but to the students as well. This is not teaching. This is more like listening to a tape with no pause or rewind button who cares only about its reputation...

Teaching = easy job because you don't really need to care

Again, this is something that happens in my education life. These are the kind of teachers that go "Morning class, do whatever you want, Thank you class" and leave when their session is over. This is especially true for language teachers who seem to think that language is something that the students already know so they do not need to put in any effort in teaching the students. In my opinion, no matter what subject it is you're teaching you should never assume that the students are experts on the subject. If you are a teacher, aren't you hired to do your job? To teach? Do you feel proud of the salary that you get at the end of the month because if it had been me I don't think I can receive my salary because I hadn't been doing my job. It's teachers like these that give bad names to the profession which create a bad image in my mind whenever someone mentions teaching.

Teaching = demand for impossible feat from your students

Here's how a typical scenario goes. The teacher goes into the class not doing his/her job every single day for the semester then BAM! exam is here and he/she ask questions that he/she has never taught before or didn't teach at all. Of course, some students are able to answer the questions thanks to tuition or their overly-genius brain but the rest are left gasping at the paper, staring blankly on as they try to sift through their dwindling memories to find out how to answer the question. This irritates me a lot when it happens to me. If you're the teacher then you should know what you should teach the students and what questions to set for the exam because that's what the curriculum specification is for. Sadly, that is not happening and I am freaking afraid that this might be what I will morph into if I do become a teacher. I do not want to hold such a big responsibility in manoeuvring a kid's life...it's stressful!!

Enough bashing on the teachers...let's move on to the students...I may have been unfairly portraying the teachers since I do not have the experience of being one but since I do have a whole lot of experience of being a student I can truthfully say that the biggest fear I have towards teaching are the students.

Students who don't care

I am guilty of being this type of student; the ones who don't care and never pay attention to what the teachers are saying in front of the class. That is, until I go on to my tertiary education. Anyways, I have friends who are still like that and whenever we do any group discussion in preparations for an exam, my friends will be asking me questions that they should know if they had been paying attention in class or reading the books. And it annoys me to death because I feel like they should know this and if they care at all they should have done their homework instead of relying on me. Even after I patiently try to explain the answer to the question there's no thank you and it's not even over. They continue on to demand (seriously, they do demand) for an example which further infuriates me. It left me thinking how the heck did they manage to get themselves up to this point.

This is the product of today's education. The lack of effort to think for themselves and the total dependence to someone else for answers. Seeing as how annoyed I get just from 'discussing' with my friends for exams, I don't really think I can handle teaching a class of students who are exact replicas of these typical students who don't care. Furthermore, I really cannot stand people who can't be bothered to think before they ask questions. It is up to this point that I suddenly realise, the teachers that I had the misfortune to encounter may have been like that because of the students. I'm pretty sure they were once young and idealistic and really do have the ambition in teaching the students. But because the students themselves do not listen in class due to their dependence on tuition, the teachers may have become jaded and soon stopped caring. Then again, they may have been like that all along...

By now, you can probably tell that there are two, maybe three kinds of teachers in the world. The first kind are the teachers who are obsessed with themselves (i.e. teaching to get good results in order to gain good reputation), the second kind are the teachers who simply don't care what happens to their students, and the third and the rare kind are the teachers who actually do teach and do care. Throughout the whole course of my education life up to this point, I have to say out of ten teachers there are only one to two who really do teach; teach in the sense as stated in the dictionary. Seeing as the 'bad' ones never really set a good impression on me I finally develop this prejudice against the teaching profession. My mom has been enthusiastically encouraging me to try taking up the profession and after giving much thought I might actually consider teaching for my industrial training just to see how I handle it and whether or not I might change my mind about it. Until then, there's still time for me to float around and play with other ideas I have about the future...Nothing is set in stone anyway so I might as well continue to take my time in making my decision...

Morning Brain

2010-07-19T23:26:00.002+08:00

My mom always tells me that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Although I know this for a fact, I seldom practice it because I find it extremely difficult to swallow solid food early in the morning. However, being the obedient girl that I am, I got a gigantic box of cereal a few days ago which could last me a lifetime if I don't start having breakfast daily.

So this morning I finally boiled some water, make some milo and cracked open the big box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes (Made from real corn it says on the box...). While I was munching away with nothing better to do I decided to read the cereal box. Lo and behold something caught my attention. I'm pretty sure most of the plebeians eat cereal for breakfast and maybe occasionally for supper as well. So why did they put 'breakfast cereal' on the box? Do we actually have a dinner cereal or lunch cereal that I do not know about? If we do well sign me up, I want one!!

Sigh...my brain just doesn't work normally...at least I'm blogging, right? XD

Pointless, pointless thing

2010-07-19T00:08:00.007+08:00

Lookie!! A new post!! I kid you not...La dee da~

Anyways, I just realised I have been neglecting my poor blog for one whole month when I switched on Mozilla for a change...Oops...I've probably lost my readers if there were any to even begin with...

In case you are curious (really??!!), I have officially crossed over to the dark side and switched to Google Chrome for a change. As a result, I have been religiously ignoring my blog even though it's niggling at the back of my head. Lack of inspiration, no time, lazy to type, assignments...take your pick. So why blog again? Because I've finished my individual assignment and I have nothing better to do.

Things have been really crazy around the uni lately. People complaining left, right and centre. There's the thing about SRC elections, then there's the car park issue, then it's some exam issue and don't-know-don't-care issue. Feels like there's a season for everything here in Kampar. It's my second year now but seriously, I feel like my head is just as empty as the first year. I have forgotten most of my phonetics stuff. Ditto my History of English Language. Oh well, out with the old in with the new right??

To be honest, I have kind of forgotten how to write properly. So the first post after such a long break might look really wobbly because my articulation seems to have taken a leave to go rust and rot on the sidewalk. I only found it curled up near the rubbish bin this afternoon so yeah, give it some time and it will be all spanking new again...

That's about it, I guess. Since SRC is over I don't really think my take on the issue will be that timely. Nor would my views on the parking issue be all that welcoming...I think I'll just laze around until I find something to blog about. Until then, cheers!

PS. Urgh..the internet connection is killing me...It keeps dying on me. I'll be lucky if this ended up online. Sigh~

The Three Wise Monkeys

2010-05-11T03:04:00.000+08:00

Would it be naive of me if I wish I had not known so much? Would it be silly of me if I wish I could close my ears and pretend not to notice sometimes? Would it be alright if I lie here and forget this ever exist? If, if, if, and only ifs.

Sometimes I feel as if we are living in a haven. Secluded in a warm embrace, protected by our little bubble where nothing can ever hurt us. It is a world where everything is beautiful and peaceful. A place where I can safely wake up and be ensured that it is another day to look forward to and the sun is shining on my head. The sense of serenity and happiness would be so strong the black cloud will not be able to dampen it.

But when I wash my face and rub my eyes, I see it is all a dream. My little perfect world packed up so nicely in ribbons and pretty wrappings are gone. It is just like any other day once I open the newspapers. There is no peace, there is only chaos and fights over petty issues. It is a world filled with secrets and lies.

He said, she said. I wasn't there to hear him, neither was I there to hear her. Who to believe? Who to trust? Where to go at the end of the day? I don't think I want to hear all these anymore. These vindictive remarks and backstabbing is tiring me up. Does all this really mean so much to you that you will lie and scheme your way through it? Scheme all you want. Lie all you want. By all means, do whatever you please. But do not drag me into it. Do not place me into your plans because I am not like that.

I do not want to live my life strategising my every move like it's a chessboard. The worst that can happen when you have been checkmate is to start the game all over again and learn from your mistakes but there is no take two in life. My life is not a battle game. He said, she said. How many more lies to cover up your lies? How many more chances do I need to give until I finally realise it's enough?

I believed and I still want to believe that there is good in everyone but each day is making the belief thaw away. As the pinnacle of ice starts melting away, the beauty is gone and all I can see is a layer of grime where slugs crawl away spreading a thick layer of mucus. How long will this belief last? Will I eventually change into a person that I won't be able to recognise tomorrow because I do not want that to happen. I want to hold on to my childish belief. If things turn ugly my only consolation is that no matter how ugly the world is there is still a tiny glimmer of beauty and truth amidst all these chaos.

Of Dreams and Reality

2010-05-07T09:41:00.000+08:00

I woke up with a smile this morning. I had an extremely vivid dream last night and it was so amazing I didn't want to wake up. As I sit here trying to recall my dream, it feels like holding water with my hands because the memories are slowly leaving me.

I dreamt of having a party at a guard house in a shopping complex (I know...so weird), I dreamt of colourful, Japanese looking decorations strewn across the walls, I dreamt of running up and down the steeping escalators with a bunch of faceless people as I giggled away but most important of all, I dreamt I went to the seaside. As I was dreaming of the seaside it felt so real I could practically feel the sand between my toes and rubbing against my heels as I run down along the waves holding my high heels. It was so real it's almost like I dreamt on HDTV with "sensor-feel" thrown in.

Funnily enough, the dream was so realistic there were knick knacks around the beach hidden underneath rocks left behind by previous patrons. It's not your typical plastic bags and polystyrene boxes that you will find at the seaside though. It's tiny porcelain houses, weird looking painted rocks and something else that I can't remember anymore.

Sigh. I want to go to the beach. I want to feel real, soft, brown sand between my toes. I want to hear the waves as they rush back and forth hitting the sand and leaving behind tendrils of marks on them. I want to hear the breeze blowing in my ears and see the trees dancing like graceful dancers across a stage that follows a silent rhythm that no one knows. I want to look at the blue ocean melding into the sky where you can't point out where the horizon is and when you put your toes into the clear, blue water you can see your feet immersed in them.

Bring me to the beach,

Where the sea is blue,

and the skies are too,

The waves so strong,

It can't be wrong,

To have you here,

with me so near,

To feel the sand,

It won't put a dent,

My heart, it's beating,

It's true, I'm not kidding,

Bring me to the beach,

Please, won't you, please?

Bursting Bubbles

2010-04-21T22:50:00.000+08:00

16th of April has come and gone. Nothing big happened; no fireworks, no big bang, no parties and thankfully no disaster happened. In fact; to many, me including, it is just like any other day. I toed my line over to the second decade last year and I reached the first year of my second decade on earth last Friday. 21 years ago, I was born and 21 years now I am still breathing.

Birthdays are never a big event for me nor for my family. I never did understand what all the big fuss was about. I hate attentions and I really don't think there's anything happy about birthdays. Birthdays has always reminded me of disappointment, lost hope and an end. 16 came and nothing was sweet about it. 21 is here but nothing is exciting about it. The only difference today compared to a few weeks ago is only an addition to a number and a license to vote.

Someone wished me a good birthday and hope that I could chink off my cynicism. I'm sorry. I don't think I can manage that. I had to grow up early when I was young and cynicism comes with age. It can only grow and not die with age.

On a happier note....this semester is about to end and no one is happier than me about it. This whole semester has been tiring. Busy with assignments, busy with exams, busy every moment of my life with something else altogether. Are those really excuses? Because sometimes I feel like they do not mean a thing and if I really want to and try really hard I could make time for myself. Only thing is, I am not trying hard enough and somewhere along the line I've given up trying.

I started out with Science and my first year in Arts is almost over. Looking back I am still not sure whether if I had made a correct choice. I still feel wistful when I think of my friends continuing on their journey but I am at the same time happy with what I am doing right now. Sure, Science was fun and frustrating most of the time but English is easier and not as relaxing as I thought. If only I could get the best of both world.

It will be my second year next semester. Thinking about it is making me feel exhilarated and happy because for once I am getting the results I am hoping for. I don't feel that suffocating feeling I had anymore. I no longer dread entering the exam hall knowing that I might not be happy with what I have done. The only wish I made on my birthday is to promise myself to try it again one day when I am wiser. Next time, I will definitely not give up. Until then, I want to feel happy for a moment and not worry about tomorrow.

The End

2010-04-01T22:04:00.000+08:00

I am now pronouncing the termination of my blog. I have been so busy that I cannot find time to update my blog as often as I want to anymore. Add to the fact that the only time that I have is now being spent in my hometown to get some alone time with my boyfriend I don't think I can juggle so much anymore. So...please don't bombard me with questions and demands for me to continue updating my post. Or anything about my boyfriend...Really sorry this have to be the end...

Eh...you know what's today's date or not, ha?? Need to write this down as a momentous moment in my life leh...

Picture of a Thousand Words

2010-03-14T18:18:00.000+08:00

One of the interesting aspects of taking an English Language based course is the fact that you will be reading and analysing English Literature, be it recent or old. Mostly, old. I am in the midst of getting my assignment done and in a whim, I had chosen Oscar Wilde's Picture of Dorian Gray to be analysed for my Introduction to English Literature.

The first time I read it was when I was in my primary school years. Being young and innocent, I read it without really understanding the full idea of what exactly Wilde was saying. I remembered the story well and liked it very much then, even though my comprehension towards the story was not the way it is today. This childhood joy has continued on until I decided to revisit the story recently.

The reason why the story drew me when I was young was because I had find it interesting that a picture could turn ugly and old while the real person remain untainted by time. I had devoured everything mystical and magic then, so it really is unsurprising that I would find Picture of Dorian Gray enjoyable. My staple of books ranged from Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes to Enid Blyton's series. If it had any speck of magic in it, my nose will inevitably be buried under the book. Since Dorian Gray was a school library property, I had read it only once but the macabre facet to it remained indelible in my mind, never forgotten but never taken out to be reminisced.

This year, 2010 marks the second time I have read the book and now that I have aged, I find it depressing and saddening to see how great a person's influence can be and how vanity can destroy a person. The joy that I had once a long time ago is now lost because I do not think I will be able to read the story ever again without feeling sorry for Dorian. The first time I read the book I had thought Dorian deserved his penance but now I am beginning to have second thoughts. I still think that Dorian had it coming but the blame should not rest fully on him, or should it? Whatever it is, the only thought that is going around my mind right now is just how much I wished I had chosen Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland instead. Something light and whimsical without a morbid aftertaste. Sigh....

This Chap Go to May...

2010-03-01T12:45:00.002+08:00

Quick note: For anyone who's interested in arts check out this site: Drawing for geeks! It's a collection of drawings done by random people. Pictures are out every Friday and the drawings are based on themes given beforehand. Some are really adorable looking, while others are cool. Nuff' said, go see if you're interested.

The Chinese New Year has finally come to an end (anyone tried the Yao Jia's How Tos?). Yesterday's Chap Goh Mei (did I spell that correctly?) passed by without my notice until I cycled by the lake in the afternoon. Hihihi...It seems like there's many single people looking for love in Kampar. I saw a few mandarin oranges floating in the lake...so to the single ladies and gentlemen out there, go to Westlake next time on Chap Goh Mei. Who knows...maybe you'll meet your love one there.

I have been busy with assignments these few days but hopefully it will all come to an end by next week. Not much to talk about since I can't find any blog fodder. If there is something random, I'll keep everyone updated. Till then, toodles~

PS. How's your post CNY weight? Guess it's off to the gym for some people, eh?

Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright!

2010-02-23T18:24:00.002+08:00

Welcome to another episode of "Yao Jia's How Tos". Today, we shall learn how to celebrate a wonderful celebration of Chinese New Year in a creative way. Before we begin, please be forewarned that all loss of wealth or damage to self is your own responsibility and the author will not be held responsible for them, thank you very much.

HOW TO RUSH IN THE YEAR OF THE TIGER CREATIVELY~

1. Go around restaurants asking for "angpow" money after telling them you have been patrolling the area for robbers.

I went to have "bak kut teh" for breakfast on Sunday just before heading to Kampar. Parked in front of the restaurant was a police car and the policemen were happily sitting in said car waiting for the taukeh to go ask them what seems to be the problem. Said policemen happily asked for "angpow" because they have been patrolling the area. Yesiree...our lovely authorities setting up good examples for the general public...

2. Find a dresser with a latch and knock your head on it.

It seems like my Sunday was an eventful one because I reached Kampar and was able to punctured my head on the edge of a latch while I was cleaning up my dresser. Slight bleeding aside, get ready to sleep the whole following Monday to wake up feeling like having a sledgehammer driving through your head. Wonderful experience, that is. Makes a good excuse to skip a working day, no?

3. Watch re-runs of old Stephen Chow movie and repeat the lines.

If hurting yourself or doing something illegal is not your cup of tea, you can always opt for a safer activity like this. Ensure that you have a good command of cantonese if you are repeating his lines although it is still fun bastardising the language. If you hate Stephen Chow's guts, well then go ahead and choose some other shows. What show is of no importance. It's what you do with it that counts. If Sesame Street rocks your boat, then knock yourself out. Sing-a-long with Ernie and Big Bird.

4. Eat up all the mandarin oranges at home and arrange the skins on the floor into nice patterns.

If there's no mandarin orange at home, peanuts also works. Remember that patience is a virtue if you are doing this activity. If the grown ups ask you what you are doing, explain to them the intricate process of how an artist goes around redecorating a house.

OK then, kids. That's it for today. Have fun and remember, you heard this first on Yao Jia's How tos!

Happy Returns

2010-02-12T15:43:00.001+08:00

Will post when I return from a short stint back to hometown. In the meantime, would like to wish everyone Happy Chinese New Year and to those who are not celebrating, have a happy holiday~

The Young Plants

2010-01-28T00:36:00.004+08:00

Teeheehee...I'm going to let you in on a secret. Promise you won't laugh okay??

That's me in the picture (I'm on the top left with the mushroom head and glasses...). This was taken when I was in Standard 5. I remember the petty fights we used to have about the smallest, craziest things. I remember Mak Cik Ros, the fierce and scary looking canteen lady. I remember staying back at school together with everyone to cram for our UPSRs. I remember the white, tiny swings by the fence that we always rush over to when we reached the school...

Looking back now, it feels like all these happened a hundred years ago. Those were the carefree days. The days when we truly had no worries. We fought but we forget about them the next day. We cried but always comforted each other.This picture showed me the time when we were uncorrupted, when we were innocent (see! I was once innocent too...) and full of hopes towards the future.

It's amazing to see the powers of technology. I've lost contact with most of my primary school mates but because of this one photo that we shared was put up on Facebook, we found each other again. But now that we do have the means to communicate with each other, we realised that it may have been too late. There's not much to talk about except the past and what has happened to us. But it may be a start. The plants may have grown but that does not mean it has stop growing. Friends are our companions for life after all. So let's not allow the young plants to wilt away on its own!

What If....

2010-01-25T20:46:00.001+08:00

....all that you know is actually just a figment of someone's imagination? I mean really, what if all the facts about history that you read is actually just a lie? Something someone wrote and the people of today assume to be true.

Histories are in essence, stuff that has happen in the past and written today by professionals but seriously, there's no 400 year old people walking around so who's to know whether or not what is written in the history books today are true? For all we know, dinosaurs may not even exist. It could be some Neanderthal's school artwork left behind and millions of years later we dig it up and assume it's animals crawling around Earth a long, long time ago...If you hadn't read about dinosaurs in books, seen them on tv, accept them as a known fact, would you still believe this creatures once exist? There's no valid explanation right now how they ended up extinct so maybe my theory is correct. Dinosaurs are some random kid's homework forced onto them by Neanderthal teacher all across the globe millions of years ago.

Doesn't it seemed a bit facetious for us to only believe in things when it is backed by evidence? We think dinosaurs exist because archaeologists dug up a pile of bones and arrange them into this big, scary creature. If that were the case, does it mean we will believe in anything as long as there is massive, realistic looking prove lying around to back it up?

Well then, I'll make my own history. I'll write stories about people of today who walk on their hands instead of their feet and about superheroes that fly around wearing a silly cape. Then I'll print out millions of copies of these stories and plant them underneath the ground all over the world. Millions of years later, the future generation will dig up the soil and find my stories. Then they will think the humans in the 21st century are weird creatures that can fly and walk using their hands. Of course, if I want to do that I need to first destroy all evidence of our existence and that would be a lot of work, won't it? Anyone care to join me on this crazy project??

ALOHA~ \\(^O^)//

2009-12-20T21:05:00.006+08:00

Yes, your eyes are not fooling you. The hiatus is temporarily over and there is a new post...

As some of you may know there's some Chinese festival/occasion thingy coming up so like the good granddaughter that I am, I went to KK to visit my grandfather with my mom and aunt today. The thing about Chinese festival/occasion thingy is, you always end up bumping into relatives that you wish you don't have. These are the relatives that seem to think torturing you are their unbound duty.

Year in and year out no matter how many times I see them, they will unrelentingly ask the same old question and go through the same routine of quizzing me about my life. Their habitual repetition of questions is just a menial, non-essential to me. They are old after all so they have the liberty to do as many repeating as they want to. Besides I can't expect them to keep tabs on everything related to their families or relatives. I don't keep tabs on their actual positions in the family tree, after all...So what I am trying to say here is the repetition do not kill me but trouble starts to brew when I move to Kampar early this year...It's not the place they have problems with, it's altogether another different gripe they have about me in particular...what is it, you may ask? Well, this is the kind of dialogue we have now...word by word, I kid you not!

Random relative: So...you still studying hor...where ah??

Innocent Yao Jia: Erm...UTAR lor...

Random relative: Oh. UTAR ah...veli good leh...(insert generic praises here)

This dialogue of sorts will inevitably lead to them asking...

Random relative: So what you study ha??

Innocent Yao Jia thinking "Oh, crap...not again..." : English

Pause...wait for it...wait, wait...there it is! The eyebrows raised, the silent disbelief and the conjectures and epiphany begins...

Random, angered-for-no-apparent-reason relative: You Chinese go study English for what? You don't know how to read and write Chinese considered bad enough; now want to study English...shame on you! Bring disgrace to us Chinese only. You go out don't tell people you Chinese...Think the Westerners very good ah?? Last time they all come attack us ah, torture us...(long winded, self-righteous "Chinese" people talk)

Of course, all these happened when mom is not around and the whole speech is in Cantonese with not one spattering of English involved. I wouldn't dare to incur more wrath now, would I? I really don't get what my studying English has to do with bringing disgrace to Chinese people. Yes, I cannot read nor can I write chinese characters but does that make me any less of a Chinese than they are? I have a Chinese name and no, I cannot write my name properly but that does not mean I do not appreciate my Asian roots. I do not think the Westerners are almighty but I don't think Chinese are that almighty either. Why give me the third degree simply because I choose to study English? Is it so bad? It's not like I'm learning how to kill people in the university. Although judging by their reaction, it might not be such a bad thing unless I start massacring Chinese people left, right and center. Weird enough, as much as they feel so strongly opposed to my choice they don't seem to want to remember this tiny detail about me but instead ask me over and over again everytime we meet, causing themselves more distress a few times a year...I tell you...I have weird, sadistic people for relatives...

An Ending

2009-11-28T07:59:00.000+08:00

Not a few days have passed since I started my new blog and so much has happened. Where to begin really? I am feeling a bit melancholic ever since receiving my first assignment results. To say the least, it was horrendous. Nothing of what I had expected and everything my worse nightmare can become. It was an essay, one that I finished early and somehow right now I wish I hadn't. So many "if only"s going on in my head but I keep telling myself that it's over and done with. Nothing that can be done to change it otherwise. I have three days worth of holidays but I can't properly enjoy it because I am still obsessing over it even though I keep telling myself I should not. This is not me. I never care so much about getting A for any examination. I never care so much about any assignments, any projects. I told my friend about it and she was surprised to hear me talk like that. This was from someone who dared to hand in an incomplete work for her PMR history exam paper project, from someone who couldn't be bothered to study hard but still managed to scrape through. What happened? I guess, I just grew up.

The low marks was not something I had not expected. It was more a blow to my ego than anything else. It hurts in ways that nobody could have guessed. It got me thinking. Not the marks, but his comments. Is that how everyone feels when they read what I wrote? Is that how I have been writing all along? If that was the case, maybe it's time for me to hang the pen (figuratively, speaking). So now, I'm announcing this. I have decided to take a hiatus from blogging. I do not want to let the crazy, choppy writer loose on anyone. I never thought my writing is good enough to be published, but I had thought I could at least write to save myself. Either way, it does not matter anymore. I will not be blogging here for sometime. I will continue writing but most probably, it will not be left out in the open. I guess it's time for the readers to rejoice?

Passionate Criminal

2009-11-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

Introducing.....my new blog~ Crimine di Passione, a sister (?) blog to Asinine Bedlam. Sadly, this is not a public blog so no one is allowed to go visit it or read it. I'm just announcing it here because I am so happy of this new addition to the family. I just thought I need to explain why there will be certain times when the blog will be left empty because it usually means I'm updating the other one. I do not want to clutter this blog with emo post since that was never my intention in the first place. But be warned, there will be certain times when an emo post will make an appearance over here. The post in the Crimine di Passione are not for your eyes.

Why Crimine di Passione? It's Italian! It sounds sexy (Italian tends to do that...). It means something not sexy though...Crime of Passion. You know how the police usually label a first-degree murder as a crime of passion? That is where the idea come from. The motivation for murder is usually anger. The name symbolises that. It's a teenager, filled with angsty outbursts and languages that rivals a sailor at the market. But I guess you don't really need to know that. Anymore information about this blog will just tantalise you and make you wish you could read it. I'm sorry for letting you down. I just really need to keep a bit of myself to me. That's why I thought it might be better if the readers here are not aware of the ugly, angry side of me. Anways...I will not leave this blog. I had thought of closing it down but I think I'll let it be...I will still blog in here. It's a balance that I am trying to keep so let's just see how it goes...If all works well, then this won't be axed and yeah...I guess that's about it.

Today in History

2009-11-23T20:49:00.001+08:00

It's been raining for a few days now. Wet. Cold. It feels nice in the morning waking up to see mountains covered in a blanket of clouds looking so clean and pure but it is also a pain in my freezing rear end. SIGH....girls....you can never satisfy them.

Give me energy. Give me time. Give me strength to pull this through~

I can feel my lazy bones tingling because I really wish I could skip out and enjoy the day instead. I want to go out for a nice long walk without bothering about assignments, exams or studies! I want to be able to sit under the sun and enjoy the warm rays again. Heck, I wouldn't even mind sitting under the rain for a change right now! I want to be fully awake to be able to enjoy a short reprieve before battling out with dragons and monsters again. The mind wrecking, crazy, obsessive side of me would not even allow myself to take a breather and I feel like screaming at myself. Stop caring so much! It's not the end of the world yet! SIGH....so tired.

Today's history....a challenge I finally overcome! The miracle! The wonders! I finally stumbled through the silly sketch. The embarrassment. The adrenaline. I forgot my lines just when it's my turn to start the act. (Oops...sorry for letting you down, guys!) You can only imagine how nervous the first few few moments was. I had to sit there and stare as the audience patiently waited for me to start speaking. It helped that Wee Leng and Puey Ru was feeding me the lines at the side and Stippie was encouraging me through it. Gaaah...when I thought of all the crazy moments over there, it just make me wish I could go back and try again. I'm so sure I could do it better now. Either way, I finally pull through and sexually harassed someone...Ish... I sound like a sex maniac here.

We tried practicing yesterday and everyone had to coerce me to do it. They were extremely patient because I wasted so much time trying to wriggle myself out of doing it. Anyway...it was all for an act...Hopefully there won't be any crazy sketch involving me sexually harassing anyone after this... I am so glad not everyone saw this embarassing part of me. To those that did...careful in your sleep tonight...I am not going to forget this anytime soon...(>__<)

Hope is...

2009-11-21T04:30:00.000+08:00

...like living with our heads in the middle of the clouds. The panic, the adrenaline, the exhilaration. But when we fall, we fall down hard. It's painful beyond belief. Once reality sets in, who are we to blame but ourselves for aiming high? For believing in the impossible?

Randomness on a Thursday Evening

2009-11-19T20:04:00.001+08:00

Only in Yao Jia's world can curry flavoured instant noodles change to onion chicken flavour... (=__=;)

In life, human plays many roles. As a companion, a friend, a family; everybody has a different mask for different occasions. You put on your 'happy' mask when you do not want people prying into your sad life. You put on the 'pity' mask when you hope for some understanding. But when you take off all these masks, what are you left with?

I am a sister, a daughter, a friend. I have different masks and I am not afraid to admit that some may be ugly than the others. The happy mask may not be sincere. The ecstatic mask may not be telling the truth. When all is over, who should I answer to? When all the grime is washed off, what is there to be seen on the husk?

There is a cold war going on. In order to retain the superficial outlook of peace, we continue with our farce. The facade of layers and layers of masks is put on early in the morning the moment we open our eyes. This is a semblance of humanity. I wear the masks as a shield. To remove them would make me vulnerable. To leave them off would open my eyes to what the world really is. Let the mask continue shadowing my face, I say. An illusion of happiness is better than a reality of doom.

Happy Birthday Sesame Street!!

2009-11-06T15:32:00.000+08:00

For the next few days, Sesame Street will be making an appearance on Google. It's the show's 40th anniversary on the 10th of November and the search engine is celebrating it. So those who love Sesame Street go to Google and catch a glimpse of your favourite characters vandalising the Google sign!

Of Tooth, Beards and Chickens

2009-11-01T14:17:00.000+08:00

The thing about growing up is that you gain knowledge with time. The formulae here would be time being proportionate to knowledge. I don't mean to complain but there are some things I wish I do not know. Some things that I wish had been left in the dark. Here are 3 major (to me, anyway) facts I wish I have no idea about. A bit of warning though. This is not for the faint-hearted.

3. The Tooth Fairy is a stinking cheater!!

When I was young I really believe in Tooth Fairies. I read about how the kids living in the western countries get money by trading in their tooth so I figured hey, I have baby tooth falling out every now and then so why don't I give it a try. So, I went to bed with my baby tooth under the pillow and woke up feeling all excited because I was so sure I could earn at least one ringgit. Sad to say, when I looked under the pillow there were no coins and my tooth was missing! The darn tooth fairy stole my tooth and didn't even bother giving me the money! I still keep my baby teeth though. I store them inside a jar and simply look at them when I have nothing better to do. Yes, I am weird that way. And yes, it does look kind of disgusting.

2. Santa Claus in Malaysia

Surprise, surprise! Which kid did not grow up wishing they could get free presents on Christmas? I do not celebrate Christmas but the feeling of festivity always strikes me come December. I knew Santa do not exist ever since I was in kindergarten. The Santa that went around passing out sweets in my kindie years was an Indian Santa with a fake beard and no beer gut. How was I suppose to believe in that??The fact that there's no presents lying on the floor on Christmas Day just proves the point. Even so, I still wish I could actually feel what it is like to celebrate a real Christmas. One with turkeys and the works. It's a good enough reason to party. ^^ So...another story on the existence of mythical creatures shot to oblivion.

1. Chickens come from the supermarket all wrapped up nicely!

This is one fact that I really wish is true, even until today. You go to the kampungs, you see the chickens happily minding their own business, crossing the roads every single time and suddenly this large, fat woman swooped down on them and cut up their throats! Horror upon horror!! You know the meat you eat must have come from some living creature but you just sometimes wish it's not true. I can never see a chicken being killed in front of me because I will refuse to eat it after and I cry when I look at them being killed. I love animals, but I love meat too. So my becoming a vegetarian is close to impossible. I did try it a few times though but never truly succeed in being one.

I am pretty sure there are still alot of stuff I wish I hadn't know but I just can't think of them right now. Anyways, this aren't really truly shocking facts. So if I can think of anything else I'll be sure to add it in!

Again...the pictures do not belong to me. Grabbed them from Google. So there is no intention of copyright infringement or what ever.

Forgotten How Tos

2009-10-27T00:33:00.001+08:00

First off, a big thank you to Wee Leng for the strawberries. Sadly, after a few hours sitting in the fridge, it has decided to become a box of garlic smelling strawberries instead. No matter, I enjoyed it just as much!

Having a short semester is always a half full-half empty glass of water situation. It is wonderful because it is a short semester, so less work and less revisions. However, short semester also means a lot of rushing with the assignments and for this semester, it also means a number of boring subjects to go through. With so much free time on my hands, I suddenly find myself bored because I have no idea what to do. I tried getting in touch with my old artistic self and picked up drawing again. Then, I tried revising (yeah, I know I'm weird that way...). Then I tried looking through my old pre-English Language course notes.

What is depressing about these activities is that I used to enjoy doing them. I had no time then but I love what I can do when I do find time. Now that I have enough time on my hands, the love has gone away. The spark that used to hold me in has disappear. I found out I can't draw as well anymore, I can't write the way I used to, I've forgotten my Science and Maths. The former are not that troublesome but the latter is. I wanted to continue on my science studies later on in my life but seeing how it is right now, I don't think it is possible. My creativity is still there but I can no longer put my thoughts on paper. That is frightening because all I have in my life is my pen and paper. If time has taken that away from me, I have nothing left to while away. There is no one to blame but myself in a way.

Practice does indeed makes perfect. By choosing one option I have let go of the others. There is no point in looking back and wondering the what-ifs. The only option now is to move on and proceed with what I have. So the forgotten how tos will not lie forgotten for long. I will dig them up, brush the dust aside and hope that I can recall the spark and push myself forward.

Demiurgic Tomes

2009-10-22T15:41:00.000+08:00

Ever since I was a kid I have always loved pop-out books. I mean really, who don't like pop-out books? Every page brings a surprise and nothing is predictable. There could be a pulley and something will pop out from a box when you pull the tab or the picture could literally jump right back at you. With that in mind, I have found a few creative looking books. These books are not necessarily pop-out books. They can be books with covers that look so interesting you would want to own it even if you don't like reading. These are books with extremely creative covers or in some cases interesting pages. So without further ado....let me introduce you to 5 awesome looking books!

1. The Silver Palace Restaurant by Mark Abley

This book's cover has a matte lamination with spot glass varnish on the melting butter so it looks almost like a butter is sticking on top of the cover. However, as interesting as it may seem I don't think many would like reading it since it is a poetry book that deals with the limitation of time and life.

2. The Book of Lights by Takeshi Ishiguro

Remember how I mentioned pop-up books before this? Well, this is a pop-up "book". One that illuminates too! On the outside, it looks like any regular book but when you open the book, the pages turns out to be a lamp. It comes in a few designs and the one shown above is a Victorian lamp. There is also one that looks like a street lamp. Now, how enlightening is that?

3. The Rent Collector by B. Glen Rotchin

The cover is definitely a no-brainer. When one mentions rent collector, the first thing that comes to mind would be money. And where do you keep your money if not in the wallet? The cover of the book looks interesting but the story doesn't really pull me in. Not that I've read it but from what I've read in the synopsis it doesn't seems to be my cup of tea. Anyway, anyone interested in finding out more can go google it.

4. Searching for the New Normal by Rexanne Williams

The exterior of the book gives off a grimy and old feel. The most striking object on the front cover would be the bright, yellow butterfly against the peeling surface of the cover. This book is in fact a journal written about the grievance a young mother feels when she lost her child. Quite appropriately designed, I must say. The innocence of a child shown through the butterfly but overshadowed by the bleak outlook that symbolises the sad loss the mother feels.

5. Book sculptures by Brian Dettmer

Let me get this straight first. Brian Dettmer is an American contemporary artist. Not a writer. However, he uses old books to create visual fine art by carving and slicing the pages of the books. If that isn't a creative use of books, I don't know what is. So to those who have any old books, don't throw them away! Start carving away and maybe you'll end up like him!

Yao Jia in Lalaland

2009-10-21T13:52:00.001+08:00

I saw a rabbit today. It was walking on its hind feet saying, "I'm late, I'm late...need to hurry up, I'm late, I'm late". Curious, I got up from under the tree and followed the rabbit. I was so excited to see an anthropomorphic rabbit running around talking. It made me realise that anything is possible, that nothing borders on the lines of craziness. In less time than I knew, I was falling into a hole. I kept falling and falling and it never seemed to end....

There are times when you open your eyes one morning and you just simply know that today is going to be a great day. It's just a feeling, one better than drugs because the endorphins in your body is working overtime somehow generating that uppity feeling you know there's no reason you should be feeling. It is unexplainable how wonderful it feels to be invincible. To think that anything is possible and everything will go very well that day.

This feeling that you have are expectations. Expectations on how you think the day should be. Endorphins can be cruel sometimes. It is suppose to make you happy but somehow it ended up ruining your day bringing you back down to the harsh facts of reality. In the world of reality everyone has a motive for being kind, anything is possible as long as it adheres to the rules of common sense and most importantly everything comes with a price. The reality is indeed a bed of roses (not to be confused with the idiom). Roses that are pretty to look at but one with prickly thorns and it is important for everyone to keep that in mind.

Yes, the thorns hurt when you pricked yourself but that does not mean you need to stay away from it. That does not mean you need to view it from afar. Handle it with care and you will realise the beauty in it. How fragrant it smells and how the silky texture of its petals is soothing to your skin. So the next time you wake up feeling cheerful embrace the fact that your endorphins are working. Rejoice in the moment because you are able to feel happy. If someone tells me that life is not fair, I say with one person that is being unfair there are nine more out there doing their part in making this world a beautiful one to be in. Forget the ugly side of nature! I'd rather have my life filled with endorphins induced moments and be happy anytime of the day!

Sweet Smell of Liberty

2009-09-25T11:47:00.001+08:00

WTF moment.... words failed me... This just goes to show how important sex education is!!

Was going to talk about some other topics today but since I just finished my last paper I don't really want to talk about such a serious issue to mar my mood. Shelving it for some other time.

So I am now spring cleaning....cleaning up my room before heading back to Ipoh....cleaning up my brain....taking it out and scraping off the information I memorised for exams...dum dee dee dah....Life sure is good when you don't have important facts forced to remember just for the purpose of exams...*\\(^O^)//*

Speaking of spring...this is the time when auroras appear. I have never actually seen a real one but it sure is my dream to see it for real instead of a picture taken from some other random dude. In case you have no idea what the heck I am talking about this is a photo of an aurora, the stage lightings of mother nature....

Not my photo...another courtesy of Google search (Google is indeed a wonderful tool for plagiarising!). But I digress...Can you see that?? How breath taking is that? It's not just limited to that palette of colour either...there's shades of blu, yellow, green...you get the picture. Sure reminds you why Earth is such a great place to live in.

So to everyone who has finished their exams and is relishing the idyllic life, enjoy it to the utmost and make sure you don't waste a single moment of it. To the rest who are still going through the finals, good luck and work hard for it. And to someone else who should be busy marking exam sheets and struggling through the crappy handwritings of students like me...good luck with that too. Most probably you will need a truckload of luck....It's okay to curse the said student to the end of Hades but be lenient on the marking okay...*wink wink*

Worse Case Scenario

2009-09-23T12:40:00.000+08:00

I am feeling a wee bit lazy today. I have the last and final paper on Friday and then it will be freedom! However, I'm just too distracted to pay attention to the pile of notes sitting on the table right now. Sigh...Knowing and doing is a totally different thing. I know I need to get my engines moving and start revising properly instead of just glancing through to get "the feel of it" but I am so not doing it.

Wait, I remember! A lecturer once told me if we are not in the right mood for something we need to visualise a worse case scenario so that we will freak out and do the proper thing. (obviously, that is not really what he said, but you get the picture...)

Okay...worse case scenario if I don't start revising....most probably I'll fail the paper, which will pull down my CGPA, which will coincidentally give me a higher chance of failing, which means I might need to repeat the semester...And if I failed again, I'll drop out from school with no proper degree...Then I won't be able to get a good paying job. Mom will most probably kill me for wasting her money and time. Since I won't be getting a job I might just sit there at home and stare into space...

Hey....that doesn't sound so bad. Being able to idle away...Crap....the worse case scenario thing so obviously do not work. So much for prep talk. (-__-") How about if we do a marvellous case scenario instead? So...I study, I get good grades, high CGPA, pass with flying colours, graduate, work, die...see...that doesn't sound so bad. In fact, I think marvellous case scenario works better, Ha! Take that! I'm gonna patent this theory thingy then I'm going to be rich! *evil laughter ensues*

Kay, off to get my engines nicely warm and moving~ *prances about dancing wildly*

Wacky Wednesday

2009-09-16T11:39:00.000+08:00

It's Wednesday and so I thought I might do a fun-post-Wednesday just to beat the conundrum of "emo" posts that I have been blogging about lately. So, I am going to talk about places that I want to visit one day. This places are not countries, they are narrowed down to specific places in certain countries chose simply because it looks fun, interesting or even mind-boggling. It's not the cliched places like Disneyland or whatever although I do want to go there but these places are not that well known so yeah...enjoy!

Our first stop would be in Japan...the infamous Tree House Restaurant!

I must say it is extremely difficult to understand why anyone would want to put up such a monstrosity smack dab in Okinawa. The idea is creative and special, in fact the reason I wanted to go there was simply because of that tree house. I have never been up in a tree house. Which is weird and funny at the same time. I thought most foreigners think Malaysian live up on the tree but I've never been that high up on the tree and I definitely have not tried the experience of hanging out or even living on a tree yet. But it's not a real tree, mind you. Fits the term, don't you think? Concrete jungle...I'm not criticising or anything, in fact I applaud the architect's ingenious method in designing a restaurant. The food is said to be inexpensive too. Bonus plus, there.

Next is the Studio Ghibli Museum

I'm not even sure where to start! The cat bus from Totoro, the giant robot in Laputa, everything Ghibli I must say! I have always loved Studio Ghibli's work. The first show I watched was Totoro and after that I got hooked onto all it's studio productions. The musuem is the brain child of Hayao Miyazaki, the "godfather" of the studio. All of the designs in the museum are his creation! Think of it as the Japanese version of Disneyland, except there's no rides. It's just sketeches and stuff of his work in Ghibli.

Now let's get over to America and see what Uncle Sam has to offer. First , is a market in New York.

Sad to say, I don't remember what the market is called so I can't find the pictures. I remember seeing it on a cooking show in the television when I was a kid and I thought the market looks really cool. It has a wide glass pane on the outside so that people can look inside and it has almost everything sold in it. I love markets, but only the dry ones because I don't want to get my feet wet with fishy water and god knows what so the fact that the market is dry makes it all the more nice. I'm sure the guys won't understand. Maybe it's a girl's thing. It's just interesting to see what people sell in the market besides your normal veggies. Add the fact that it has a cool glass window pane that runs along the indoor market, it would be a crazy day! So if anyone know what this place is called, please let me know.

Then there's the Kansas City Public Library

Yes, I kid you not. This is a building that is designed to look like books stacked on a shelf. I think this might not be considered as not-so-popular place any longer because there has been pictures of this library floating around in the email. But I just want to add it here because I love books and oh, also because the design is just so creative.

All these places just shows that the world is indeed a bedlam of creativity and craziness. Really breaks the conundrum of dull, don't you think? That's four places already and I think I'll stop until here for today. Maybe I'll add some more next time. Need to get back to my revisions now. oh yeah, forgot to mention...the pictures do not belong to me. Googled them and copy-paste. Any infringement of copyrights are not intended.

Friend InDeed

2009-09-15T21:18:00.000+08:00

Friends. Really, what are they? Are they just people or instruments you use to pass your meaningless time on this superficial world? Or do you really appreciate them for who they are, for what they have done for you?

I think these days, most of the people join this friend group websites thingy. Friendster, Facebook, you name it. It's all the rage, aren't they? No doubt, it is a good platform to get in contact with your old pals, your new buddies, heck even strangers. But really, how many people or friends out of all the hundreds of contacts you have in there do you really know? Are they truly friends, or are they just there because you want to let people know, "Hey, I have many friends, what about you?".

Everytime I open my Facebook account, I feel guilty when I look at the friend requests. Should I really approve it, because I'm not really sure whether if I have seen you before, or even talk to you before. If I don't, you might say I'm a snob for not doing so but if I do, I will feel bad because I'm not sure if I have seen you before.

All this while I try to make sure I really know the people before I approve the requests simply because I want to be sure but after all that, I realise even with the people I do approve, I don't really know them that well. Yes, they may be acquaintance, people from school, from work, from the university, etc. Yes, I have friends but how many of them are good friends? Best friends, friends that I can call when I'm in trouble? It's sad to know that the person that I have known, my friend all the way back from primary school sidetracks me and think that someone else who isn't even that close to her is a much better friend than I am. Suddenly, I found myself losing my oldest friend because she doesn't think I am her friend. What happened to all those times we spend sitting in class talking to each other, hanging out during recess time, playing and goofing around in class?

I can't say I'm the best friend a person can get but I'm pretty sure I'm not that bad, am I? Yes, I am bad with people's birthdays, I can't even remember my own but I try not to break promises and I am there when you need me. Doesn't that count for something? I guess, that's just not good enough for you. Maybe, I missed a class when they were having a best friend etiquette session.

It is understandable that people change with time, that people drift apart somehow but it is sad to know that I have been the only one opening up all this time thinking you're my friend while you store all your news to yourself. Suddenly, I'm not really sure whether if I really do have friends. Maybe, all this time I was just living in my own world.

I'm never really a sociable person. Most of the people I know tells me that the first impression they got from me is that I am a cool person. Not the positive you're-cool-hippy kind but the cold type. I agree because I find it hard to speak to strangers, even more difficult to speak openly. That is why I treasure my friends and I don't really mind if I do not have many of them, so long as they are good friends, it's good enough for me. Now, what some of my "friends" have done left me thinking, maybe I never really was your friend. I wonder what the heck I have been doing all this while. Do I really know you that well?

My Caffeine Fix

2009-09-12T01:30:00.000+08:00

I am so doomed!! I got my finals exam later in the morning and I am too agitated to go to sleep....all the information I read is running around in my head....(TT__TT) I want to sleep....

Mishmash

2009-09-11T13:55:00.000+08:00

I am feeling extremely jumpy right now. Caffeine always gives me that feeling...like I have too much energy packed into my body and I want to do everything all at the same time except for obvious reasons (I have two hands...) I cannot do all of it. Because I spend too much time agonising on what it is I want to do first, I ended up wasting my time deliberating and at the end of the day I achieved nothing. If only I have another extra pair of hands....or maybe not, I'm too vain although I wouldn't mind if I still look cute with it...XD

I'm feeling a tad bit melancholic today so I think I'll take a short walk down memory lane. It is the exam week for students at my school right now. (yeah, yeah..I'll study when I'm done with this...) I haven't plan anything for the semester break yet but I think I might be seeing my friend who just got back. Other than that there's nothing static. (Big Hint: Ask me out when you free??) Remember how we used to get so excited when we get holidays at the end of the school year? The two months holiday that lasted from November to December... I remember how I would badger mum to bring my brother and I somewhere because staying at home seems so boring. I guess, in a way I have grown up. I no longer rely on mom when the holidays is here. I make my own plans. Heck, even a short holiday where I just stay at home seems inviting these days.

When I graduated from the secondary school it seems like people are straying apart. It becomes hard to find time to get back together just to talk about the good old days and when you meet up, suddenly, you just realise how much everyone has changed and we no longer click. Somehow, we can no longer find a common ground. I wish I'm back in Neverland when we think being adults were cool and wishing time would go faster. Where the heck is Peter Pan?? (TT__TT)

Theatrics of a Scholar

2009-08-18T20:59:00.001+08:00

It feels almost like it has been ages since I last blog. I see many things happening everyday and I really want to blog about it but I just can't find time to do so. I have tons of things I want to talk about; my take on the Malaysian literature, what I have learned after weeks in this new course, how I feel about being back at square one, but all this will just be put aside and I'll talk about it when I do have the time or inclination to talk about it. I just do not have enough time right now. Will talk about how I can't seem to get enough time next time too...(^__^) Anyways...today's topic: Theatrics of a Scholar is something that I put close to heart because it seems to be a forever happening occurrence (or should I say pandemic?) that just can't be cured.

First thing that most "scholars" go through when they go for the tertiary education is no doubt the gargantuan deluge of assignments and whatnot. But what irks me is not the assignments because that is something to be expected, something that you should know will happen because that is how the school will see how you are doing academically. It is also a way to help you get through the year because assignments contribute a large amount of marks to your coursework percentage. This is something you learn from the first week and I think it can be safe to say that most people entered the tertiary education with the hopes of passing it and getting an acknowledged degree. But there seems to be a number of people who think they are entitled to it when they did nothing to have earned it in the first place. Who are you?? Why in the world must I do your dirty work and allow you to get all the credits for it? I have gone through a lot of free riders ever since I started my foundations but it's starting to get on my nerves, I'm sorry if you are now receiving the end of my brunt but enough is enough. Get your own work done and stop expecting everything to be served to you on a golden platter. Here's the reality. It might be surprising to you but hey, nothing is free in this world. I have a threshold for patience. As much as I try to understand your predicament, I cannot take up everything and get it done for you because that's not how the world goes.

I have always mentioned that I have a low tolerance for stupidity. I acknowledge the fact that I'm blunt on the intelligence side and because of that I do not expect people who are no doubt smarter than I am to ask me stupid questions when the stupid me can understand it. There is a cure to stupidity and that is to learn from your mistake, knowledge in plain English...but there do not seem to be a cure for laziness...I suddenly find myself hating the person I am because if I were to be someone else I wouldn't want to be me. I keep quiet when something irritates me, when someone is annoying me to no end. This will never happen if I were younger but because of decency, for the sake of keeping peace, I keep quiet and ends up going through a heartburn because of people who just won't pay attention and keep in mind what it is that they need to remember. If it's so not important for you to remember then don't bother asking anymore because you do not seem to give a damn.

There just seems to be many things wrong with the people I see or is it because I'm just too hot headed to let something like that to bother me? *sigh* Scholars by name yet actors by nature. There is nothing that I can do except to accept it as a way of life. There is nothing I can do except to accept it in a resigned way because I cannot be going around checking every moment, babysitting everyone to make sure they are doing their jobs because you have grown up for god's sake! I don't think you will like it very much if I nag you like your mother because that is not me. If you do not want to give it your all, that will be exactly the kind of marks you will get. A half-assed result because you could not be too bothered about your own future. I am just too exhausted to talk about this anymore. If you want to continue on with your ways then let it be. No amount of pushing or reasoning can get to a person when they have closed up their ears.

Picture courtesy of http://chadandshannon.wordpress.com/

Crazy Adventure is....

2009-07-28T22:13:00.000+08:00

...when you're driving down the road at 100km/h with the windows rolled down and the radio tuned way up!! Anticipating my date with fishes tomorrow...hope the rain won't be making an appearance. Hmm...maybe I should hang the teru teru bozu tonight??

To Whom It May Concern

2009-07-16T23:00:00.001+08:00

Quick post here...Still got lots of things to do...will blog properly few days/weeks later...

I'm sorry...I did not meant it the way you think I did...I try not to judge people purely on hearsay because I know people's views can be prejudiced in some ways. There are countless times however when what I believed to be true is shown to be wrong and what my friends had been telling me were sadly the truth. If what I said before this offended you, all I have to say is I mean no harm. Most of the time I speak what I think but what you heard is not truly what I said. You added words in to exaggerate the point and I don't think what you did is right. If you have something to say about it I think you should take it straight to me and not beat around the bush. I try not to be hurt with what you wrote but when I know it is not all true I cannot help but feel like I have been misjudged. You did not allow me to explain myself and you drop the axe straight away. Is that a fair trial? Is it not "innocent until proven" a law everywhere in the world? Just because it may seem that way to you does not mean it is. Science itself has proven logic may not always be right. Why push all the blame to me?? Either way, it's a case of "he says she says". I don't want to continue on writing...grammatically illiterate when I'm aggravated....If you want to think badly of me, then go ahead...knock yourself out. I don't care anymore...

Pronouns are for Kids?

2009-07-03T18:02:00.000+08:00

We were learning pronouns for our Structure and Grammar lecture just now. Almost at the end of the lecture we noticed a suspicious looking passage and I thought I might share it with you.

Delia looked out of the window and watched the setting sun. Her children would soon be home and she would have to tell them the awful truth. She wished she could avoid facing her children but the time had come when she could no longer keep her secret to herself. She had to tell her children what the doctor had told her that morning.

We were supposed to put in the correct pronouns in this passage by the way. Anyways, by this time you will think there's nothing wrong in this passage but can't help in feeling sad for the lady because she might have some sort of illness and the poor children will not be able to take care of themselves. But wait! Let's continue on with the passage shall we?

She was seventy years old. (Huh? oh okay, she's an old woman!) She had lived a happy and full life. But now she was facing the unknown. What would her children say? Would they understand? Would they understand her need to share her last few years with the doctor? Would they understand why she wanted to marry him?

Yes, ladies and gentleman. That is the passage. Horrors upon horrors! There are a few uncertainties regarding this passage though. My friends and I had a ball discussing this passage. Who did the proposing? What does it mean when the sentence said "She had to tell her children what the doctor had told her that morning,"? Very weird indeed. Definitely not an exercise for the kids. Mind you, most of the examples in the notes were quite glum and "emo" looking. I can't help wondering what the point was in the exercise. The pronouns are all repetitious in case you haven't noticed. It's all sprinkled with "she" and "her". Was the reason really to let us see the passage? My friend felt the old lady was extremely horny because the age here is well....matured....extremely matured. Like one feet in the grave, that kind of matured. So why did "Miss" Delia wanted to marry again? Because of my friend's thoughts it got me thinking.

Here's a question. Would you get married if you found your loved one, the "One" so to say, when you are seventy? I mean, you have been looking for that one true love for so long and finally you found him/her. Will age be an obstacle when you truly love someone? I guess the argument here would simply the age factor. You're really old by that time. In fact, you could die any moment seeing as that is the average age a person can live until. So I guess most people will think why get married anyway. You can live together and no one is going to care. There is no reason as to why you should want to get married at that age.

But cases like that do happen. There are news about old grandmothers and grandfathers getting married in the newspaper once in a blue moon. I think in the end it kind of depends on what perception we have on the idea of marriage. To some, it is just a piece of certificate to show that they belong to each other until it is annulled but to others it could be a promise. A promise and a symbol that represents their love and affection for each other. Maybe if the person's perception on marriage is the latter one, they would not care what the society have to say about them but to just go ahead and got married instead. I guess news like that are only published here because it is so rare and it might not even show up on foreign newspapers if it had happened there. Or will they? Hmm...either way what do you think? Will you get married if you were to fall in love when you are seventy?

Tokyo's Gem

2009-07-03T12:18:00.001+08:00

Noteworthy Blog: http://tokyobling.wordpress.com/

I have a friend who is a major Japanese fan and I am sure he will love this blog. Anyone out there who loves all things Japanese can go have a look too! I'm not being paid to advertise here but I stumbled on it this morning and found the posts interesting...I've put a link under the Blog of Note (it's on the right side, in case you miss it...) so just click on it to jump to the blog... Just wanted to get a word out there anyway...Will blog about more substantiate things later...Still busy!

Lesson on Procrastination

2009-07-02T09:58:00.000+08:00

I am currently swamped by extreme case of procrastinated work. Tutorial questions, assignments and revision for quizzes. Wait, put that way it doesn't seem too bad. Let me put it in another way. I have two work due on Friday, two long-winded assignments and one quiz due next week. Sprinkle a bit of tutorials here and there and you get a number of panicking students running around pulling their hair. Better stop procrastinating and start moving my engines then...Let this be a lesson to all...Never put off things when you can do it at that moment!

The Theme Park and All Its Enchantments

2009-06-28T20:58:00.000+08:00

Home; a place where you stay and go to at the end of the day to put up your tired feet. A place where pretensions are unnecessary, where habits are bred and left to infest on its own. A place where a child can run off to, comforted by the fact that the mother will be there waiting for his return. This is just another story. One where happy endings can never be found because life is filled with doubtful miracles and happiness is an unattainable paradise.

The home that I went to when I was young was a theme park. It has an entrance that seems so grand but inviting, full of warmth and surprises to the outsiders. The earlier days were very different. The walls were painted bright white and the plants seem to thrive under all the loving care that the gardener rendered on it. There were crowds and joyful laughter. Games played and stories told. It was an endless array of entertainment from the moment when we open our eyes until the moment when we fall asleep. Each morning we woke up with the smell of scrumptious delicacies in the air feeling excited to begin another new adventure because we know it would be just as special as yesterday, that it would be another happy day. Because this was when the theme park was still new, when the management were on good terms with one another, when they care for the welfare of children, when everyone was excited with its opening.

However, things become old. The kids have grown up a little and they no longer like make-beliefs. The management could not find a point where they can agree with each other anymore. The entrance still looks grand but the interior speaks a different tone. Ghost and monsters are found lurking behind doors and every possible corner. There is no wafting smell of bakery or coffee in the morning. No delicious lunch and dinners cooked with love set on the table, nobody waiting by the door. Everything is impersonal. It is a self-service routine that seems more like a hotel stay. The children, because as much as they have grown they are essentially still children, knew something was wrong with the picture but they could not say it out loud because they fear the consequences. They had to be careful when they speak, had to be careful where they tread because every tiny action could blow up a landmine.

Years gone by and things did not change for the better. The theme park has gone through changes. It is no longer a theme park but a dilapidated, haunted house. The clean, white paint has peeled and replaced with mouldy greens. It used to be filled with joy and gaiety but the gleeful laughter has disappeared and all that is left is just a bleak darkness. The plants are left unattended and the gates are just swinging along with the wind. Everything is rundown and old. Fixing it seems so futile. Why fix it when no one will be returning back anymore? I wish the theme park had never existed. I wish the scenes had been a different one. I wish we have never existed in the beginning. How did it change so rapidly, so drastically? Where did the swing of the pendulum got disrupted?

Death and Its Memories

2009-06-26T19:20:00.000+08:00

I woke up early this morning and heard about Michael Jackson's death at the cafeteria when I was getting my breakfast. The man was saying something about not opening his stall in tribute to his death. I did not think much of it when I first heard it so I then headed to the library and checked the newspaper just to make sure of it. There wasn't anything written about it so I thought, "Okay...It's not real". I only found out the truth later when I checked the mail.

When I first hear it I thought it was all a joke because to me Michael Jackson seems like an iconic person. That he would one day die is a fact, but I never thought it would be so soon. To me, he seems like a permanent fixture, like he is going to be there for a long time. It was sad to know he is a mortal after all and death comes at unexpected times.

I was never a big fan of Michael Jackson. I first know about him when my dad got his album and played it on the television. I was amazed with the way he expressed himself, with the way he dance, the way he sings. Everything about him shouts unique because he creates his own identity, one that is different than all the other singers at that time. His videos are always entertaining because they tell a story that is related to the songs he sang. I especially loved the magical feel of the "Black and White" video. It was amazing how he could turn a taboo subject about races into a catchy tune while telling us we are all equal no matter what colour our skin is. I will never forget the way he danced on the car and turned into a panther right at the end of the video because it was something frightening to me when I was a kid.

I do not know many of his songs because I feel he is at his best when he sings about the environment and world issues. From "Heal the World" to "Thriller" and "Beat It", all these songs has been something that brings back fond memories of my childhood. Whether or not the scandal embroiling him just before his death was a matter of truth or deception is not something that we, the outsiders will know. However it is, I wished people could respect the dead and not criticize them simply by ear. His death seems to be a laughing matter to a few people who think they have the right to judge when they know nothing about the full extent of the situation. There are a few who said, "Good...now we don't have to worry about kids being sexually abused because there's one less wacko". His music is what one should be focusing on and not his scandals or controversies. It is sad to know that he will only be remembered for his eccentric behaviour and the scandals that he got himself into when he was alive and not for all the wonderful things that he has done to make the world a better place music wise.

May you rest in peace MJ.

Changes are Inevitable

2009-06-24T10:55:00.001+08:00

A quick note: The blog's template has change due to problems on coding. I did not notice the comments written are not visible if it is too long before this until a few days ago. I was quite reluctant to do any changing because I was attached to it but hopefully, the same problem will not occur since I had to change the old template to a different one. Anyways...

Not many people know this because I seldom talk about my blog or how and what I write in it. It does not seem like a good "parlor" topic, if you get what I mean. I have a habit of drafting my posts on the Microsoft Word before uploading anything final on the blog because I love the fact that Microsoft Word has the auto correct function in it. It saves me a lot of energy, in a way, because I do not have to bother about the capital letters or grammar issue. However, the most annoying part about it is that blogger somehow cannot upload my post if I copy and paste the passage straight out from Microsoft Word. This means I have to retype the whole post all over again if I want to upload any post. Which in the end is just a waste of time and energy. I know. I am weird that way. By this time, people will be wondering why I am even bothered about the grammar and fonts in the first place. I guess I am too much of a perfectionist. I am also extremely particular about this issue, not that anyone notice it anyway. So I am now trying to pull myself out of this habit and type my post straight on to Blogger instead. I am just too lazy to continue on typing the same thing twice or even sometimes more than that.

I have a lot of things I wanted to blog about but sadly, I have forgotten about all of it . I always do my thinking when I am on my way to school or when I had too much dose of caffeine. Things just seem to run around in my mind more when I am sitting in the bus or just walking. It keeps me occupied when I do not have a book to read, you see. However, all this "ah-ha" moments come at the "wrongest" possible time because that is the time when I do not have my computer in front of me so I end up forgetting whatever it is I wanted to blog about. In the mean time, I will try to focus and pick up the bits and pieces of my thoughts and if the "ah-ha" moments returns I will try to blog about it...

Balancing Acts

2009-06-17T14:28:00.001+08:00

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone"
-Ali Javan-

I think this quotes sums up how everyone feels or wish to be. To be able to hold a place of importance to someone's heart is an extremely special thing because it shows we're appreciated. I was chatting with an old friend of mine the other day about being grateful and this friend of mine was lamenting about how he feels he is being taken for granted. These past few days I have gone through a wild emotional roller coaster ride. It has been a long time since I have held a position, one where I have to be responsible for everyone's welfare. I am not complaining about the added responsibility of being a course rep but sometimes the job makes me feel unappreciated. I believe it is a fact that most of us who are born and educated in the eastern way find difficulties in showing our feelings. I must admit that up until this point I have never let my brother know that I care for him, that I think he is a talented person. I have never say "I love you" outright to my mother. To me, emotional outburst can be embarrassing because that has been how I am ever since I was a kid. I am not sure whether if this applies to you as well, but when was the last time you let someone know you appreciate them for who they are? I am a person that believes action speaks louder than words but at the same time I am also a painfully clueless person when it comes to someone's emotions. Which is why I would prefer it if they let me know what they feel about me; in actions and in words.

Nonetheless, saying and doing is a completely different thing. In order for someone to know, I need to show it first. Setting a good example is a stepping stone, is it not? I need to keep in mind that it is not an embarrassment to express my feelings. For that reason, I want to take this opportunity to let everyone know what I feel.

To you; thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being there for me when I am down in my crummy hole. Thank you for understanding even when I was taking out my temper on you, even when I was making life extremely difficult for you. Thank you for sharing the good times and the bad times with me. Thank you for being my source of inspiration. Thank you for being proud of me, for showing I am never alone. Thank you for all the lessons you have taught me, for the journey that we made together, for making my day a better one. Thank you for showing me I am a special person, for telling me to enjoy my life more. Thank you for keeping my feet firmly on the ground, for reminding me to never be too arrogant and be grateful for what I have.

You were the one who console me when I cried, the one that held me when I was confused and afraid. You were the one that made me laugh even when I was crying my eyes out. You were the one who shone the light in my path. All that you have done for me did not pass by unnoticed. It would be impossible for me to list out everything that you have done for me. I am grateful for having you by my side and I hope you will never give up on me just as I will never give up on you. Thank you for everything that you have done!

Pot of Gold and Silver Linings

2009-06-11T16:40:00.000+08:00

I'm having a lot of mixed reactions lately. I'm starting to dread looking at the reactions I get when I tell them the reason I'm in my first year all over again. I'm not embarrassed by my decision but I hate being judged for it. I changed my course not because I hate science. I find the subject interesting but I guess science hates me. It's hard to not wonder sometimes whether if I actually made the right choice. I miss the subject a lot. I wish I still have an excuse to enter the laboratory just to play around with the chemicals. I wish I still have an excuse to enter science and maths related lectures.

I used to tell myself I do not want to do something I love. This statement might cause people to start doubting my sanity because it seems obvious to everyone that we should do what we love. My reasoning for this was that it would be sad if you start to hate what you used to love. It would not seem right to start hating what you enjoy the most because it has become a burden to you and you're starting to find it annoying. Picking art over science was the toughest decision I had to make. As much as I like science I didn't seem to be progressing in it. The last resort was to pick the inevitable choice since I've begun to start hating it. Selecting a new course all over again brings back memories of how I was when I just finished my SPM with high hopes. I've always loved English because it's something that I never find difficulties in. This does not mean that I'm starting to find English Language boring, that I'm beginning to hate it. I can feel the burden setting in but it's something that cannot be avoided since I have expectations. I'm beginning to understand why people kept saying the right thing is to pick the thing you love the most now. For once I'm actually picking up the reference book without being told to. For once, I'm actually reading it during my free time and not feel like it's my responsibility to do so. I've never done that before when I was doing my engineering course. What makes it different is the fact that I actually understand what it is the authors are trying to pass through. Unlike science, it's not liberated with complicated jargons and terms. It's presented in a way that does not make me feel patronized when I'm reading it. Physics has never been my strongest point and the reference books do not help matters at all. I try reading it and half way through I give up because it's just another book that prove to me how stupid I am for not understanding it.

The future for me right now is still as dark as it used to be but that doesn't mean I will stop continuing my journey. It's better to get it through and find out than staying still and end up wasting my life away. Meeting new people all over again isn't very bad but what's difficult is finding someone you can be closed to. Everyone here seems to be hard at work studying and not minding anything in between. I'm not sure whether if I've ever said this. There's this one time when I took the LRT and I noticed how everyone were ignoring the majestic view of the sunset outside the windows because they were too busy being another clone. Some of the students here will soon graduate and morphed into the exact clones of the passengers of that train ride I took long time ago. Materialistic clones that do not care what happens outside unless an atomic bomb actually explode under their nose. Sadly, life is judged not by our interest but how rich we are.

Still Cooking

2009-06-05T20:27:00.000+08:00

It's sad to see that I blog an average of one post per month ever since moving my blog to Blogger, when I blogged more frequently before this. Circumstances have changed though and I promise I'll start writing more diligently. Today marks my fifth day here at Kampar. Time seems to move at a slower pace here and there are times when I wished time could just stop for a moment to allow me to absorb all the things that has happened these past few days. My first impression when I got a glimpse of the campus was awed. The campus looked really beautiful. For once I felt like a real university student because the campus looked like a real one unlike the ones in KL. One thing I have to mention though; why are all the buildings grey in colour? It gives off a really glum and serious feeling, which I guess is what the administration is hoping for? The second and forever lingering impression I got is how hot the place seems to be. Is it just the weather here or is this a sign of global warming? I don't think I've ever paid a visit to hell before but this should come pretty close to how it might it's going to be like. There should be close to a few gallons of sweat I've shed ever since arriving here by now. Everyday feels like treading inside an oven with the temperature set on high but I think my body has finally adjusted itself to the temperature. There's more wind blowing now but there's still no rain which is surprising, considering the fact that it's so hot all the water should have evaporated to the sky by now. Where have all the clouds gone to??!! (T,T) I miss the cool feeling of the after effects of rain...

TD 5: A Step into Yesterday and Back

2009-05-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

A few weeks ago I kept lamenting about how much I wish time could go faster. I was in the midst of stressful preparations of finals and frustratingly incomprehensible jargon then. I felt like it would be a definite welcome if I had completely skipped the stressful moment and jumped straight to June. I wasn't giving goodbyes much thought then.

There's a chinese phrase that says something like time move faster when you blink more. Obviously, they don't really mean it in a literal way but, I think I've "overblinked" myself. Without my realising it, time did passed by and they're sitting for the final paper in the finals as I'm writing this. My things are packed and soon enough I will be moving away. Someone asked me whether if I was going to miss my friends once I've moved back to Perak. I told him no.

I'm sitting in the reading room right now reminiscing about days long gone by while everyone else is sitting in the exam halls strenuously toiling out their best effort. I'm rewinding that tape of memory that has been my silent companion throughout my life, remembering the earlier days when things were simpler. When everything seems possible because we were too naive to understand difficulties. How long ago it seems now and yet I can still recall it just like it happened yesterday. This will be my last time to be able to sit in here engulfed in the silent atmosphere, comforted by the fact that at least I have the now, the present moments to find consolations in goodbyes. It's hard to acknowledge goodbyes because I never really did know how to do it properly. But just like everything else, there's always an expiry date. Gardenia bread last for four days but the friendship that we had might have to end today. This two years in KL has taught me a lot. I've met new friends. Gain new experiences. I won't forget how much I laughed when the hearse passed by in Genting or the embarrassing moment of hanging out with a bunch of guys comparing the size of their package in the cafeteria. To all my friends in TD 5, I will never forget you. It was fun hanging out with all of you. Thank you for putting up with my stupidity. To my friends who I only began to know this year, I have only regrets for not having more time to know you. So, I guess this is it then. Sorrowful goodbyes and all...

The Cat That Got The Cream

2009-04-18T23:22:00.000+08:00

Study week has officially begun and the race is on. In this race, each contestant is given one week worth of time to get prepared. On the day of, they will go through cycles of torturous questions that will fry their brains over and over again like fried carrot cake (chai tow kuey) The gauntlet has been tossed. Are you up for the challenge? (hmm...the picture sure looks decent...delicious, even)

Truth be told, I don't think I am ready but sorry to be so smug about this. I just can't help grinning every time I think about the finals. This will be the last time I'm sitting for the finals under the science stream. After this I will no longer be facing the music of physics and maths. So, to anyone who got offended these past few eeks because I'm off the hook I'm sorry. But, geez...give me a break here, ok? I'll be gone soon enough and you won't have to face my hide any longer. That's a comforting thought now, isn't it? On a related note, people are surprised I actually decide to take the finals after dawdling on the decision for so long. I must say, I'm a bit surprised myself. However, the reality is I did pay 5k worth of fees and it would be an awful waste to not take it. So here we are...a full circle. To all the others who are taking this battle and really fighting for it, I wish you all the luck and work hard for it, will you? I'm not proud to be the one pulling back so I don't wish to see my comrades doing the same. Anyways. I'm having difficulties concentrating on my revisions now (notice that I'm blogging instead of spending precious time reading -___-"). Sat down in front of the laptop with my papers ready and halfway through, I found myself killing zombies instead. Sheesh...i'm such a procrastinator. Looks like having lived on earth for two decades have not changed my perception on what is more important. At all. It's an effort anyway. (At this point, you're supposed to agree with me even if you don't!!)

Well, enough procrastinating now. Off to study again...(or most probably staring at the paper for endless hours...)

Reading Hazards

2009-04-13T13:02:00.001+08:00

Anyone who knows me for a time knows how much I love books. It doesn’t matter what it is, from fictions (definitely, my favourites!) to newspapers or even the back of a cereal box, I will read it as long as it’s something with words written on it. Not having a permanent resident in KL can be a pain sometimes. I’ve moved to KL for almost two years now and throughout these years I’ve accumulated a small number of books that has completely nothing to do with my studies. Whenever I return back to my hometown I will bring a small number of books that I bought in KL back home and somehow end up bringing a few books back to KL and continue building up my collection of books. There’s no place to put all these books, I end up placing them inside boxes and all the books is littered on the floor beside my bed. That is no way to treat books. I know it and I'm guilty as charged, but nothing can be done about it unless I stop buying books or I keep returning back home to clear up the books in KL. I suppose this explains why I’ve always loved the library because it’s the only place where I can read the books that I most probably cannot afford without having to pay for them. The ‘no space’ factor is another reason, no doubt. The quietness inside a library is so peaceful it is almost tangible in the air. The serenity that surrounds me every time I step inside makes me feel like I’ve gone to a heaven complete with all the angels playing their harps by the gateway. Even though there’s quietness inside, I can still almost feel the books shouting at me, telling me to pick them up and bring them home. The number of times I’ve visited the library has been so numerous that no matter which library it is the librarian will recognise me or in the case of the Setapak library, knows me by my first name. I guess that goes to show how dire my social life is or to put it in a better way, how much I love my books. However, as cool as it might seem to be to have a librarian recognising me, there’s a downside to this. Every time, I borrow a book I have to pass by the said librarian and he’ll check the books I bring out. This is because that is his duty. He has to check whether if the books borrowed from the library is checked out properly. I totally understand his duty but it’s extremely exasperating because every time without fail, he would comment something or another about the books I borrow. I know I'm supposed to accept his views with a pinch of salt and it really isn’t a big problem but I still can’t stand it because I feel what I read is something private and I don’t want people knowing what it is unless I choose to divulge the information. I read according to my mood. Just because I'm doing an engineering course does not mean I have to read serious, technical, sciency books all the time. If I feel like reading something frivolous I want to be able to borrow the book without having to explain my palate to anyone. I guess I'm supposed to accept this reality in a resigned and resolute way. -__-

When Students Gets Creative

2009-04-02T13:45:00.001+08:00

Noticed this when I came back from the toilet during lessons yesterday. Someone had drawn a picture of the lower torso of a human on the side of the table. My friends and I got a good laugh out of this when we asked the Indian fellow to pose for the picture. In case anyone hadn't noticed, it was April's Fool yesterday. When we told the dude to sit down without explaining why, he got extremely suspicious. No doubt he got fooled numerous times.What did you do for April's Fool?

The world of the damned

2009-03-07T15:12:00.001+08:00

There’s a comfort in knowing that when I die, it is over. I wouldn’t have to care any longer what people have to say or think about me. So, to me it seems death is the easiest way out. Life is over once the Grim Reaper comes to fetch you. To many, death is a taboo subject. I guess the reason for that is because we don’t like to know that life is actually really unpredictable. There’s no exact shelf life for this thing we call life, it afflicts everyone from the young to the old. There’s no age limit to it and it’s an inevitable thing. To me, death itself is not such a scary thought. What is scary is how I'm going to die. I do not wish to die a painful, horror stricken, slow death. Even though it is true I won’t have to care what people have to say any longer, I still do not want people whispering how hideous I look when I'm lying in the coffin. Of course, judging on how I’ve given this some thought, I think cremation is a better way out for me. But that’s the least of my worries.Are you ready to face your Maker on your Judgement Day? I think some people will be surprised by this phrase. Not because they’ve never heard it but it’s because it came from me. It’s a well known fact that I'm a freethinker. I do not believe in any specific religion although I was instilled the teachings of Buddhism when I was young. What I think is a tad bit blasphemous for some so I’ll just keep it to myself. No point starting a fire when there is already light. So, it’s a done deal that I'm a freethinker (oh, and you can stop preaching to me about how good your religion is by now) but here’s the bomb. I do not believe in your religion for personal reasons but that doesn’t mean I do not believe in the existence of God. After all, anything is possible. There aren’t any prove that says there’s no “holier-than-me being” living on the other side but there’s no prove that says this being does not exist either. Of course, if the being really exists, there will be a lot of questions from me when we meet.This is what makes death so exciting, what makes me look forward to death. The knowledge of what really happens when death comes a knocking. Death is but an adventure where a new page begins. I’ll know whether if there’s God, afterlife and whatnot. Of course, it will be a pity because I wouldn’t be able to disclose all this information to the rest of the living, breathing people. If I could, it would be a scary and miraculous thing wouldn’t it? I can practically see the headlines now. “GIRL CAME BACK FROM DEATH AND TELLS ALL”. We would know whether if all those wars were really worth it, whether if our planet exist because of the ‘Big Bang’ or because of a higher power. I'm wondering if we can have a debate when we’re there. (If “there” exist at all) I'm wondering whether if we could question the actions of a certain resident that lives there. If heaven really exist, I don’t think I would like to stay there on a permanent basis. I don’t mind going there for a visit but I don’t think I’ll enjoy it too much if I have to stay there forever. Happiness can only be felt when you’ve gone through sadness. Without sadness, you wouldn’t know what happiness is in the first place. If heaven really is as they say it is (the happiest place and all) then you’ll be immune to that ray of happiness when you’ve stayed there for some time won’t you? It’s just like being drugged continuously and your immune system begins to build a resistance to it.But then, I wouldn’t want to go to hell either. I know I will need to pay for any bad deeds that I’ve accumulated when I'm living on earth, but who’s to judge right from wrong? If a person steals for the well being of his parents, will that still count as a bad deed? If a person kills someone accidentally, is it a bad deed or is it an act that can be ignored? No one on this planet is perfect so there’s bound to be blunders and bad deeds done by everyone. Some not so serious and others so terrible it will remain a secret from everyone else. So does that mean we’re all going to go to hell? Even for the tiniest mistakes? Even for that white lie we said sometimes?Will my not believing in any religion bar me from going to heaven? Will there be no doors open for me when I die? Is afterlife real? Or would it be exactly what it is meant to be? The end of a life and nothing left but dirt and bones. Only time can tell. When I finally leave this comforting place, I want to be sure I won’t regret it. So take life to the fullest. I know it sounds clichéd but it’s a truth that has been taken for granted numerous times. Trust me; you wouldn’t want to end up wishing you had done something when you can no longer have the leisure of doing it.

Final Judgement

2009-03-05T15:47:00.000+08:00

If anyone hadn't noticed, I've revamped my whole blog. I've deleted the old one and changed a new name because I think it's time for a change. I'm too lazy to do much about the template though...maybe some other time? The problem is it's extremely hard for me to go online as often as I want to nowadays, because the place where I'm staying does not have an internet connection. Because of this, my old blog was being neglected and I found myself having difficulties conversing in English. However, all is not lost...Yao Jia's here now and I'll try to update as much as possible. There's an ironic situation going on. I know I said earlier that it's time for a change, but I think my mind is detached from my heart. It still haven't grasp the fact that I want a change yet. Oh, well. Something really is going to change soon, though. I've given this thought for some time now. Although, the term 'some time' is a huge understatement since I've been pulled by the intention ever since I came to KL and continue my science stream. The topic is forever haunting my old blog but, I promise, this will be the last post regarding this topic, so bear with me, ok? Had I not been such a typical arien- being indecisive and stubborn to admit the fact even to myself, I would have gone ahead and act on my decision instead of wasting so much valuable time. I mean, who am I kidding?? If I had done it sooner I wouldn't have to go through so much suffering. So, let me put this out in the open once and for all. SCIENCE ISN"T FOR ME. There. I've said it and I'm not going to take it back. You know how caring people are (i.e. busybody or to put it nicely curious). They always seem to ask that infamous question whenever I tell them what I'm learning right now, why did you choose chemical engineering? And I've always answered it with, "Because I like chemistry". That lie is so well remembered I can say it out without thinking it through beforehand. You see if I had been truthful and brave enough to say it my real reason would be something more realistic. And that reason doesn’t just apply to me. I know a lot of people my age who’s sharing the same exact predicament as me. The reason is because (cue: drums rolling here) I'm not sure what I want to be. Not that I’m sure now. I just thought since I’m not sure what I want to do anyway, I might as well take a course that's going to have a lucrative salary. The course sounds like it’s something cool but I have to admit; I had no idea what it really is about when I sat at the corridor filling up the form thus sealing my fate towards eternal doom. Gosh. That seems like a few hundred years ago now when in reality it was only a mere two years or so ago. Throughout these two years, everyone has heard me whining and complaining about it and I really must apologise to everyone for that. And so I have an announcement. I’ve finally made up my mind today. I went to school the other day, go to the office and ask for the course transfer form. I’m not sure whether if I’m making the right choice. I can never be sure. And that’s the only thing that scares me. The unknown. It’s just a habit of mine. When I make a decision I want to be sure of it. I want to know for sure the consequence of my choice so I’ll know I’m making the right one. Because of this habit, I’ve always pull myself back when I face something that I cannot be sure about, causing myself to miss out on a lot of things in my life. Today, I say enough is enough. I'm throwing in the towel and calling it quits. The funny thing is, after I took the form my right hand starts trembling like mad. Was it due to the excitement or stress? I have no idea. I told my friends about my decision and they asked me to reconsider my decision and not do it. I’m really touched by their gesture but the reasons that they gave me were so irrelevant it borders on being absolutely ridiculous. If I wasn’t so used to their antics, I might actually feel demean with their ground of argument. Here’s an idea on what I mean. You can’t leave because I won’t have any friends/anyone to talk to or you can’t leave because I will feel like doing the same thing too. Oh, and this is the best. Don’t leave because there won’t be anyone left to save a seat for me!! Geez...thanks, you all. It looks like I’m important in their lives in the sense that I’m a pillar of strength for some, a companion/friend for a few in betweens and a tool for the rest. Really puts it all into perspective, doesn’t it? Thanks though, I really appreciate it. I swear I'm not being sarcastic here. I know what you all mean and I’m really happy to know that I’ve left a tiny bit of mark in your hearts but I’m really tired of this battle. The allure of giving up seems so much easier. But if I do decide to go ahead, the decision will be so...final. That thought alone is pretty scary I must say. I haven’t decided yet which course I’m going to take but I have made a few choices and I just need to find out more about each courses. I guess the decision on whether if I'm really going to go has already been made. I just need to take action, that’s all. The knowledge that I won’t have to do maths and science anymore has given me a kind of freedom. I feel like I can finally breathe properly. So please, give me that vote of confidence I need so much, will you?

Note: Taken from last post in previous blog dated 27th February '09